He Told Me He Didn't Know If He Loves Me Anymore

[Stella]

My boyfriend has SAD and is currently suffering from depression. In June I noticed he started saying I love you less and that was the time he told me his depression was lasting longer than normal. He finally went to a doctor in July and was placed on meds for his depression. We done a lot together in the past few months and I love his son, but a few weeks ago he told me he didn't know if he loved me anymore, we've been together almost two years and yet he still wanted me to spend the holidays with his family. His meds were not working right, and he just had them changed, but I'm not sure if changing them will change anything.

I'm just so confused about what to do because I love him very much.

[Clinton]

Depression is a very difficult condition to deal with Melissa, even with medication.

And it is just as hard and difficult when you love someone who is suffering depression.

Anyway, a couple big things here:

1. It's GOOD that you're not blaming yourself for your man's moods. Too many women in your situation would be blaming themselves asking"what did I do wrong"to cause his problems. SAD (and depression in general) are medical conditions and can be as hard on a partner as they can be on the man or woman suffering from them.

That said . . .

2. It's not your job to make him happy. This is a point I hammer over and over again, but your boyfriend's happiness is his own responsibility (and your happiness is your responsibility.) Your job in a relationship is to be a great girlfriend/wife/partner and offer the best support you can.

He is in a place of self loathing and feeling worthless right now and it really has nothing to do with you. I know you love him and his son and want things to be perfect, but all you can really do in this case is be supportive, help him by being caring yes, but do not take "responsibility" for his condition.

Help him find the treatment he needs and most of all..............Please also take care of your self. I know it is very difficult when a partner you Love suffers from any form of "depression"and their depression can be very destructive to a relationship.

With the right support, therapy and medication..........He will recover and be back to the man you love.

It is a "Big" test of a relationship...........I know this being a Counsellor myself and working with those who suffer depression. Trust Me, IF there was a magic solution, I would willingly share it with you.

But you need to focus on yourself right now and take care of yourself and carry on with your Life as best possible. Time and good Therapy, with your love and support will lift his depression.

And please "note" Melissa.That one of the effects of "depression" for those who are suffering from being depressed. Is the loss of love feelings, so when he says this to you. Don't take it to heart. people in a depressed state experience the world and themselves in a very different way. And this has a lot to do with the change in brain chemistry. When he recovers he will be back to the man you know and love.

Here is a link to a article I wrote on "Depression" for those who are with another who is suffering from depression Melissa. I know you will find it useful and informative.......

[Clay]

I am not quite sure whether if you have told your boyfriend about this problem. I would presume you have and probably it didn't work for you to make him care for you. Although you are feeling that he no longer loves you so strongly as before, please do not feel that your relationship is reaching the dead end. Analyze your relationship calmly. What made him not to care for you so much as before? Could it be his busy work schedule or just your sensitivity, thinking that he no longer loves you? Even though you are feeling that he is being unfair for neglecting you, you should also take some time to understand what he is thinking if you want him to care for you.
He knows that you care for him and will always be readily available whenever he needs you. If you want to know how to make him care for you, make yourself less available to him. Take this time to occupy yourself with more activities. When he realizes that you no longer focus on him only, he will start to get more concern on your actions and care for you again.

[Lily]

See whether the man you love is simply heartless, or is something else really going on...

Insight #1: Love Doesn't Vanish Overnight. Instinctively, we all know this to be true. It is highly unlikely that a strong feeling like love can disappear overnight. Hence, you first need to understand and accept that it took time for your ex's feelings to change. Over time, there were probably things that you did that chipped away at his loving feelings for you. For example: - You didn't appreciate something he did for you - You ridiculed him: his thoughts, dressing, anything important to him - You made him feel un-important or useless - etc... It's the little things left unsaid that create unhappiness and resentment, until he doesn't feel happy when he thinks about you anymore. But why didn't he say anything? This leads us to the next insight I want to share with you...

Insight #2: Men are afraid to share their feelings. The truth is, men aren't extremely in touch with their feelings... and they are even more clueless about how to express their feelings. In fact, what scares men most about sharing their true feelings, is that the woman they love, will react in a strongly negative way to what they've just said. This scares them because they are at a loss at how to handle emotions in general, and this makes them feel like a failure. So, instead of facing a long conversation about his feelings, a man would rather keep quiet and not say anything. He feels it's safer this way.

Insight #3: Men speak with their actions. We all communicate in different ways. Women tend to talk more while men will use their actions more. Hence, don't be too discouraged by what your ex has said. Many of us don't know how to accurately convey what we want to say. A more accurate explanation of what your ex lover said is "I don't feel the same way about you, as I did when we first started going out." Can you see how or why he might have just used the words "I don't love you anymore" instead? It was easier and the only way he knew how to express his own (foreign) feelings. I suggest you do your best to ignore his words for now and focus on how he behaves when he's with you instead.

[Stella]

Thank you everyone for the advice.