Dating a Widower and He Is Still Mourning His Wife

[Victoria]

I recently started dating a widower and he is still mourning his wife after 1 1/2 years. Should I give up on him? He says he does not want a serious relationship and just wants to be friends. So now we are not seeing each other and he does not even respond to emails.

[Sammy]

Hi Victoria,

Competing with a dead woman is a great way to go mad. 1 1/2 years after a lengthy marriage isn't so long.

It's going to take him a while to come out of it and be "OK" with being emotionally involved with someone else.

It's up to you if you want to be his friend or not, but I'd recommend you move on.

[Ella]

I was watching a movie the other day and one of the central characters made a statement that caught my attention. She said "A person can't help who they fall in love with." I paused for a moment and wondered to myself, "how many people will be led astray by believing that bunch of nonsense." The statement sounds very sincere and romantic, but it's a notion that will rob you of experiencing the kind of love you deserve if you're not careful.

A few days before I watched this movie I had received a letter from a woman and had been in deep contemplation regarding how I would respond to her. She was involved with a man who she believed to be a good catch, but he had gone through a traumatic relationship experience in the past she said, and was emotionally unavailable. He ran hot one day and cold the next, and she could never gauge his true feelings for her. The only thing she felt she knew for sure was that she was in love with him. I suspect that this woman's letter is the reason why my ears perked up when I heard the actor make this very misleading statement.

Emotionally unavailable men are aloof, uncatchable if you will. This man will give a woman just enough of a hint of who he could be if he didn't have issues. He enjoys the chase, may be charming and attractive, and he's seemingly sympathetic to the fact that he's stringing you along, but he lacks entirely the desire to commit himself to a relationship with you. Some women will flock to this kind of man because deep down the woman has fear. She is insecure and afraid of real commitment as well or else she would not indulge this kind of man.

Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) says "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." If you and I didn't have the capacity to guard and protect our hearts from foolishness, then God would not have told us to do so, but we very definitely have this capacity and we must use it. As children of God, sometimes we have a bad habit of picking and choosing which scriptures we'll heed. Well, you can't get much plainer than Proverbs 4:23, and it would be a gross error in judgment not to heed it, especially when it comes to partnering. God is telling us to watch what goes in and what comes out of our hearts because what goes-in and comes-out affects our quality of life.

When it comes to guarding your heart, Sisters, you've got to put on your superwoman cape. Not only do you have to be able to recognize an emotionally unavailable man a mile away, but you must understand from the giddy up that it's not a beneficial move to invest your emotions. The woman who wrote me fell for a man like this because she allowed herself to do so. Truth be told, the man didn't give her enough to build a quality relationship. He gave her the leftovers and she accepted them. She accepted them because she thought that it was God who placed the man in her life in the first place; therefore, she reckoned that God must intend for her to be with the man. This is how we think sometimes. We think with our emotions instead of with our spiritual and mental intellect.

Every man that is interested in you is not sent by God. And every man that you are interested in is not sent by God. We can't be so gullible, so needy for a man's attention that we let ourselves invest in someone who will not yield a bountiful return.

1John 4:1 KJV says "Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God:" This is extremely wise counsel when you're seeking a marital partner. God is telling us forthrightly not to believe every spirit, because that's our tendency. We want to believe that just because the brother looks good, smells good, and talks a good game that we can give our hearts to him. Well, take a look at Ephesians 6:12 as well. It reminds us that the physical is just a shell and we would do well to look much deeper. It tells us that we are not wrestling with flesh and blood. In other words, our battles are not with a person's physical being. We are wrestling against the spiritual wickedness that may have usurped the man's mind and heart.

Understand that we fool ourselves into thinking that emotionally unavailable men will love us because we haven't dealt with what's going on in our own souls. And if you haven't wrestled with your own stuff, how in the world can you wrestle with his. It is so incredibly important to develop a solid and strong relationship with Jesus Christ before we get married, because partnering these days demands that we are secure in our Lord and Savior at the very deepest part of our souls. We desperately need ALL of God's armor. Without it many of us are tricked into latching on to individuals and situations that are harmful to our spiritual relationship with the Father.

We fall in love with the person's physical attributes and this attraction causes us to be blind to the corruption in their souls. You can't excuse this away, because no man can be responsible for emotionally feeding the barren places within a woman. Did you get that? Please make sure that you do. If your emotional well is empty and you are feeling a spiritual drought within, a human being is incapable of replenishing your reserves. This is a job that only Christ can fulfill. Only Jesus Christ can restore a soul.

My beloveds, love is a choice and we very definitely can help who we chose to fall for. So if you're single, trying to love an emotionally unavailable man is not a winning strategy; it's a poor choice. No one is perfect, and you can't expect that the man you will marry will be perfect either, but you CAN expect that he will be as willing to wholeheartedly love you as you are to wholeheartedly love him.

[Lily]

Learning how to connect with an emotionally unavailable man is like learning how to gain the trust of a beaten dog:

One of my dogs, Pumpkin, is a li'l feisty chihuahua I found one morning under a car by my house. She was covered in fleas and very frightened. I brought her into my home and she became my third furry, canine companion. She was not, however, the sweet, eager-to-please pup that dog lovers cherish. She was growly, distrusting and distant. She didn't allow my other dogs near her. One of my dogs is a li'l macho Jack Russell terrier mix and he's a real bruiser. My other dog is a sweet hearted chihuahua mix who is very polite and doesn't know a stranger. Li'l Pumpkin warmed up right away to my chihuahua mix and not to my Jack Russell mix. Why? Because my Chihuahua mix invited Pumpkin to come closer, as opposed to my Jack Russell mix who constantly tried to bruise his way into her space.

If you are loving an emotionally unavailable man who remains at a distance, isn't emotionally open, and who has admitted distrust in women, it's best you extend an unspoken invitation to know you and come close instead of try to "pull" love out of him like fingers from a Chinese finger cuff. Just like a Chinese finger cuff, his love will resist your advances.

How do you invite an emotionally unavailable man to come closer?

You do 2 things: you sit on your hands and you remain emotionally open to receiving his love.


Everything has to be on his terms as far as how close he comes to you. Wanting to see you, be around you, hold you, know you, caress you, let you inside his heart and soul... it's all got to be on his clock or he won't trust you and will even feel resentful. If you can handle this dynamic where he is in control of the speed of the relationship and you want to further pursue a connection, it's best you stop yourself every time you want to shorten the gap between you both. So no: calling him, touching him to force a connection, seducing him with sexy texts and photos, inviting him to concerts of his favorite band...

Instead, you let him come to you. You remain PATIENT and wait for him to call, invite you somewhere, touch you, ask you questions about yourself... You let him create the safe place with you instead of you forcing him to feel safe in a way that will never make him feel comfortable feeling safe.

Now... when he does come toward you, you have to be open to his advances. This doesn't mean you have to always be happy with every measly morsel he hesitantly dishes out. You can still be upset at him for not having called or having dismissed your feelings about something. You just have to make sure that when you open up about negative feelings, you are still making room for him to come closer. You are still allowing him to make good on his mistakes and to comfort you. So no blaming, no silent treatment, no screaming, no foot-stomping, no pouting...

If he doesn't want to hear your feelings or doesn't care about your feelings (out of a sense of rejection or simply out of selfish indifference) you have to still remain firm in not rewarding him for bad behavior. In other words, if he ignores your feelings, you don't do or say anything loving back! Even if he ignores you for weeks afterward! You simply wait, siting on your hands for as long as if takes, for him to approach you again, and, if you are still upset, AGAIN you state your feelings. This will show him that you are not a pushover and this will make him see that loving you requires accountability and structure.

Accountability and structure will actually make him feel more trusting of you and safer to come closer.

If he comes toward you in a loving way and you are happy to see him and have his attention, then you have to "MELT" into his advances. Say "thank you" to his compliments, or "mmm. that's so yummy" when he touches you in a way that feels yummy. It's a reward system where you are rewarding him with appreciation and love when he does something good for you and your relationship.

Loving an emotionally unavailable man is difficult. It's wearing on your soul and it can end up hurting you a lot. Many unavailable men cheat or find ways to always stay distant emotionally. Some never fully feel comfortable coming close, even when they trust you. This is because closeness is so foreign for them, it's uncomfortable to the point of irritable and they would rather just end up doing what feels more natural.

Some men ARE capable of real closeness and true intimacy. They just need a li'l inspiration to get back to that place. Sometimes a man comes on strong and then backs out and we label him a commitment-phobe. But that isn't always true. He may just not have the tools to communicate what he needs and why things aren't working for him so he just backs away silently instead.

[Caleb]

Every woman is aware of the futility of getting involved with a man who is emotionally unavailable. It is clear from the experiences of many women that it is simply impossible to change them; thus the best option is to stay away from them.

After learning of the negatives, you may have taken a decision that it is best to stay away from emotionally unavailable men. Now the question is: how do you differentiate between them and the others? Even though they have qualities (rather vices), which set them apart from others, you will need to be a little observant to make the right differentiation. Of course, once you have identified the ones falling in that category, your job becomes much easier.


Differentiate Between Emotionally Unavailable Men and Available Men

Men who are emotionally unavailable are not introverts and yet they aren't extroverts. They have a capacity to pull people towards them and yet they do not let them get too close. This mish-mash of closeness and indifference puts your relationship with such a man on a constant roller coaster of highs and lows. It is only a question of time before you give up.

In due course, he will come out in the open and suggest that 'he wants to keep his options open'. He is basically trying to say that he wants more than you and this is a typical characteristic of an emotionally unavailable man.

One more characteristic of such a man is his emotional volatility and instability. He is hardly aware of what he wants and in his confusion, ends up winding up relationships even with a normal and stable woman like you. A look at his past relationships is a reflection of his inconsistent choices and unstable preferences. No matter how hard you try, you can never change him. Never step into a relationship with such a man thinking that you will change him; it will never happen.

It is every woman's dream to be the only one for her man. In case of an emotionally unstable man, it is highly unlikely that you will be able to achieve that. Since an emotionally unstable man is not sure of what he really wants, there is a good possibility that even when he has you in his life, he will still be unsatisfied and looking out for other 'opportunities'.

Initially, everything may seem hunky-dory but as soon as he starts feeling the burden of emotions and stability, he starts whimpering. It is just not in the nature of an emotionally unstable man to be in a stable relationship for long. Period.

It is thus widely established that it is a stupid idea to get involved with an emotionally unstable man. It is certainly more of a risk than anything else. If you spot them beforehand and maintain a good distance, you can ensure that you will not be a pawn in a relationship with such a man.

For those women who are already stuck with such a man, it is best to evaluate his plans and intentions. If you think it is highly impossible to deal with it, you should walk out as soon as possible. However, even if you think it is possible to deal with his whims, carefully evaluate your emotions. If you are compromising too much, you better be aware that it is not worthwhile; such emotionally unavailable men will very often not think twice before walking out on you.

[Victoria]

Lovely and helpful advice from everyone of you, thank you so much.