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Depressed over him..Long Distance

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  • Depressed over him..Long Distance

    I recently, after 6 years living with my ex husband...decided to move out of the house to get my life going. We were divorced after 1 year but still living together for the remaining 5. Needless to say, it was a toxic relationship that I had been over years ago...just because of finances...had no choice to stay in the house while I try to get my life back.

    Well, Almost 4 months ago, on my travels, I met this debonair man. He was attractive, smart, successful and also divorced with 2 children. We instantly hit it off with chemistry, attraction. I mean...you name it. Which to be honest...prior to my ex....I never thought I would find another man to awaken me..and make me feel like I could love again...other then him.....I dare to admit that.

    Though we only knew each other for a few weeks...he was texting me, calling me...wanting to take me out to functions....It was great. Whenever we got around each other...you literally had to pry him away from me and vice versa. Him being a business owner and quite busy...I loved that fact that if I texted him and told him how I wanted to see him....He would almost drop everything and come to see me.

    I mean, everything was great. Sex, was unbelievable and dare I say better then anyone I have ever had in my life. I mean, our chemistry and connection was something you just can't fake.

    Which leads me up to the reason I am writing.

    Though it was a bit of a long distance dating situation....To me, it wasn't that bad. We both are from the Midwest but different cities. He has two homes but his work and main livelihood is in the midwest, while also having another place in the south....Which is where we met. Though, it's been get togethers when he's in town...or me traveling to see him...We were somewhat dating for about 2 months...casually.

    Recently, I have noticed how he has all of a sudden become distant.....not calling, taking days to get back to me when texting..not having our long 3 hour conversations...that we use to have....(though I know that part would ease).

    But the kicker of the whole thing is....He was supposed to come down and spend my birthday with me... something that was his idea to do... that I was so excited about and totally gung ho. But since the last time I went to see him and saw each other in person....it just has been different. When i finally could get him to agree to talk, though...in all fairness, he was recovering from a cold...he just didn't seem too enthusiastic about coming down. Though, in between that...he had to take his kids to Spring break back to his home in the south....that I let him know that I had work there and could be there around the same time.....once he heard that.....he was already planning to meet up with me no matter busy schedule with the kids or not.

    So finally, after being a bit upset...to see that I was always the one willing to come to him and him not doing the same for me. I finally sent him an email stating that I was going to be taking some space. Because I didn't want to continue growing founder for someone who might not know what they wanted?

    His response? he said...that he found it hard for him...because of our distance...he wasn't sure....He stated that with his kids, him having a million irons in the pot and with very little time for himself....the thought of getting on a plane to constantly see me...although he'd love to...would be hard. He said that he would want to meet up more on a regular basis like once or twice a week. So, he wish there was another way around it to make it work.

    Well, behind this last email, I have not responded....because I was feeling hurt that...although these things are true....he has yet to come to see me at all. It's been me doing the traveling...so, for him to even bring this up...kind of baffled me. My thinking is....do it even once, before having a complaint! Not to mention, it was his idea to come down and spend my birthday with me....to fly in and us spend a few days....but once it got down to it..even that didn't happen!

    My problem is.....I really, really, really, really like this guy and would hate to see us just end. But at the same time, I am won't be the only one doing the leg work when it comes to us seeing each other. I want someone that is going to be the same type of person towards me that I show them that I am. Yes, I don't have children nor businesses to run which makes me getting around more flexible. But should this be a reason why a guy shouldn't even try to come see me?

    At this point, I know...because I told him that I would be taking space....the chances of him ever contacting me again are......well.....I don't know. At the same time....I miss him terribly.

    I was wondering what could be done, if anything....at this point? Or is it all gone?

    I would love to hear another voice other then my own. He hasn't contacted me since and nor I him...and it's been almost a week and a half. I am going crazy, severely depressed, eating more and genuinely feeling so much sadness.

    On top of that...this is the weekend of my birthday that we were planning on being together...that won't happen at this point at all. I fear the longer it goes.....You could kiss it all good bye completely being it was so new. And lack of any communication. Also, because.... for whatever his reasons, which is his right?!...I refuse to budge and won't...especially when I know that I am right!!!

    Is there any hope in this situation or no?




    Thanks
    Last edited by hafa; 04-05-2017, 02:58 AM.

  • #2
    Hi hafa

    Thanks for your message.

    Well, you've got yourself an interesting situation at the moment and because of the highly emotional nature of it, I think it's really important for me to be able to share my view from a objective view.
    Now, from my own personal experience, when you meet people on travels, there is a different form of emotional connection created. I recall having the same experience a number of years ago on a bus tour of Europe. I ended up sharing in some once in a lifetime experiences in Paris, London, Barcelona etc and when you get involved romantically with someone in these circumstances, the emotion of the situation is escalated even more. It almost feels a bit like a movie.

    Whilst everyone's experience is slightly different, some of the patterns are very similar.

    Now, when I got back home, we kept in touch and talked about moving as well as further travels etc. But then something happened for me...Normal life resumed. The emotion of the experience, whilst fresh in my memory, had subsided somewhat because I knew that I had to face reality and not live in fantasy mode. How did I make this distinction? By looking at the situation, not from a heightened emotional state, but from a grounded place where I had to look at the realities of what a relationship with her would look like. What ended up happening was that, after truly understanding her qualities and comparing that with my 'list' (yes, I am a strong believer in having a list of what you want and what are deal breakers), then I could objectively see whether this was going to work from a true compatibility perspective. It's easy to deal with each other when things are going wonderfully well on holiday - it's a different ball game when it comes to every day reality.

    What I am trying to do here is give you somewhat of a perspective of what could be going on in his male mind. I'm not suggesting that he doesn't have strong feelings for you but with him having a business, kids etc, he does need to look at the reality of what is happening and in his own 'logical' world, i'm certain that he is putting these pieces of the puzzle together to get to the conclusion.

    I've also been in your shoes as well where I fell from someone who was overseas and she backed away big time and that cut me deeply so I totally empathise and understand how you are feeling.
    Whilst none of us can ever be 100% sure that there is hope in this situation, I would say you have two options:

    1) You force the issue with him. Reaffirm how you feel, be prepared to make the changes required to be with him and then see how he takes it
    2) Recognise that what you had was a special experience, an temporary moment of bliss, but now it's time to focus on you and commence the healing process so that you can move on. When you're in the heat of the moment, it's very difficult to take this approach and move on because there is always a part of us that harbours and clings onto hope. This is human nature but it's something that you will need to go through if option 1 doesn't work.

    The beauty of option 2 is that, in time, you will have healed and then recognised that it was a special time in your life and in the process, grown tremendously as a person.

    For a relationship to work, not only does there have to be feelings and emotions that are in alignment with the other person, but there also needs to be the practical aspect of it ie proximity, life situations etc. Fantasies don't always become realities. Sometimes they absolutely can for sure and i've worked with people who have made it happen - but I would be doing you a disservice if I didn't speak my truth here.

    What is it that you truly love about him?
    Have you seen all sides of him?

    Remember, a relationship is not just about the good times, it's about managing the bad times as well and ensuring that you can work together during those moments of polar opposites.

    Hope that all makes sense.

    Any questions, please let me know.

    Cheers
    Sri

    Comment


    • #3
      Helo Sri,


      Thank you so much for all your insight....Well, I already realized part B) where it could have been a moment in time...and am prepared, although it will hurt, to potentially never see him again. But, the other part..about meeting people on travels and realizing that things are just meant for that particular time? I am on the fence about! I mean, we both live in the Midwest and only an hour from each other by plane. I have also mentioned to him that being that I had a more flexible schedule...that I would be willing to do the traveling so long as it worked with his schedule too. My upset is with him doing it even once....!!

      I get it...he's busy and juggling a lot...But one thing I didn't mention that I will now. My now ex husband and I were in a long distance relationship for a year and half before I decided to move to be with him.. We were 9k miles away from each...not an hour...but 9k miles away....THAT is long distance!! And yet, we saw each other constantly....where he came to see me or I him. My bottom line is that even the busiest person in the world....If you want to be with someone or see what can happen...will do just that! MAKE it Happen!!

      And for this reason...is the only one that..although it breaks my heart to pieces....I will not call him or contact him ever....even at the risk of never seeing him again.

      I am a living testament that Long Distance should not be the reason why someone should choose to not to pursue something or push someone away! If that were the case...I would never have gotten married!

      So to meet someone that only lives an hour by plane and only 4 hours by train? And for him to claim that distance is the reason for his hesitation? or cold feet?

      To me, that smells like Hog wash!!!

      Yes, I do feel that we did have a connection...but I guess...I subscribe to the theory of looking at the glass half full rather then empty!

      I love that with all his success, that he is very down to earth about a lot of things, funny, youthful in spirit and always down for having a good time.

      As far as what I dislike about him...well, I think it's obvious....I wish he weren't so pessimistic or cynical and were more shoot-caution-to-the-wind....to let things just happen without analyzing what already might happen that hasn't happened or vice versa...though him being a business owner....that's almost impossible right?

      So, needless to say.... I am in a no win situation then right? Plus, the more and more each day goes by with him not even making an attempt to contact me...is painting a negative image in my mind that he just never really cared, doesn't think about me...or just have moved on mentally already! Hell if he even notices at this point!
      Last edited by hafa; 04-05-2017, 08:20 PM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Hello Hafa:

        I understand what you are going through at the moment. It's really painful to let someone you love so much slip away from you.

        I'll give you my candid opinion about this issue. Now, a man will sacrifice anything for love; and that includes his business, kids, and even long distance. A man sacrifices more for love than a woman in the early stage of a relationship, and for him to suddenly begin pulling away means something happened that he isn't telling you about.

        Sometimes, it may be he began losing attraction just because of something you said or an action you portrayed.

        So, I suggest you give him space for now; at least for 1 month. Then try contacting him after 1 month. This will give him time to miss you and make you more valuable. If you keep doing all the contact and visiting, you will look like a stalker and therefore become unattractive to him.

        My condolence!.

        Comment


        • #5
          Hi Scott,

          Thank you so very much for your insight as well...I totally hear you...however, the stubbornness and self worth on my end...begs to differ about the "me contacting him in a month" part. I simply refuse to be the one to contact him anymore...in life!! It's time for him to show if I was something to him or not!! But sorry...I simply will not contact him...or better yet...guarantee to remember him in a month!

          And to be completely honest? The more I keep thinking about it...is the more negative and angry I get. To see that he would be willing to let things go for no reasons at all. I have done nothing, and I mean nothing to deserve his distant behavior towards me!

          If being loving, being affectionate, being happy, being playful and being spontaneous with him...are reasons why he would want to run from me....then I'll let him run! Because that is how I was with him...That's why this is like completely left field. Not when this same guy..was the one that use to count how many guys checked me out while together...said I was the best he's ever had....I was so warm...I was so this, that...and blah blah blah. And nor was he just saying that! His nick name for me was "headturner" because...he use to LOVE it..that I would turn other guys heads when we're together...He loved it that other guys checked me out.

          I mean...how do you go from loving that you're seeing a hot girl that you find attractive and fun? To, like...vanishing?? Doesn't make any sense!!

          I have self respect and know that I am a quality lady...worth pursuing and will pursue a guy just enough... provided that he ALSO is pursuing me!! So, if i don't get that in return...it doesn't matter if you're Brad Pitt....I will leave!

          I have standards!! Like any female should!! I'd sooner brave the bullet of heartbreak/loneliness and get over it...then EVER be the one contacting him first again!!!

          It's time for him to show me or fade away into "forgot you land"!!
          Last edited by hafa; 04-06-2017, 03:53 AM.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by hafa View Post
            Helo Sri,


            Thank you so much for all your insight....Well, I already realized part B) where it could have been a moment in time...and am prepared, although it will hurt, to potentially never see him again. But, the other part..about meeting people on travels and realizing that things are just meant for that particular time? I am on the fence about! I mean, we both live in the Midwest and only an hour from each other by plane. I have also mentioned to him that being that I had a more flexible schedule...that I would be willing to do the traveling so long as it worked with his schedule too. My upset is with him doing it even once....!!

            I get it...he's busy and juggling a lot...But one thing I didn't mention that I will now. My now ex husband and I were in a long distance relationship for a year and half before I decided to move to be with him.. We were 9k miles away from each...not an hour...but 9k miles away....THAT is long distance!! And yet, we saw each other constantly....where he came to see me or I him. My bottom line is that even the busiest person in the world....If you want to be with someone or see what can happen...will do just that! MAKE it Happen!!

            And for this reason...is the only one that..although it breaks my heart to pieces....I will not call him or contact him ever....even at the risk of never seeing him again.

            I am a living testament that Long Distance should not be the reason why someone should choose to not to pursue something or push someone away! If that were the case...I would never have gotten married!

            So to meet someone that only lives an hour by plane and only 4 hours by train? And for him to claim that distance is the reason for his hesitation? or cold feet?

            To me, that smells like Hog wash!!!

            Yes, I do feel that we did have a connection...but I guess...I subscribe to the theory of looking at the glass half full rather then empty!

            I love that with all his success, that he is very down to earth about a lot of things, funny, youthful in spirit and always down for having a good time.

            As far as what I dislike about him...well, I think it's obvious....I wish he weren't so pessimistic or cynical and were more shoot-caution-to-the-wind....to let things just happen without analyzing what already might happen that hasn't happened or vice versa...though him being a business owner....that's almost impossible right?

            So, needless to say.... I am in a no win situation then right? Plus, the more and more each day goes by with him not even making an attempt to contact me...is painting a negative image in my mind that he just never really cared, doesn't think about me...or just have moved on mentally already! Hell if he even notices at this point!
            Hi hafa

            In terms of my comment regarding meeting people during travels - just to clarify - the point i'm trying to make is that often when we are on travels, we don't get a true picture of that person. All emotions are heightened because of the experience. Having said that, I do agree - an hour on the flight is simply no big deal BUT, try not to compare him with other men and other people. We all have different models of the world and how we view it hence for someone it might be easy to move forward with this situation - for others, it might be really difficult.

            I know for you it isn't given your past experiences, but it may not be the same case for him. He might have a slightly different view of things. This doesn't change things but i'm just pointing out that he could have a completely different viewpoint to you that may bring out some fears in him.

            Finally, try not to view it that he never had feelings for you. It's perfectly normal for a guy to have some feelings during a certain period of time and then suddenly changes once he's made certain decisions in his head about whether to pursue a relationship long term. It's not that he didn't care or didn't feel anything - it just simply changed.

            BTW, please don't take my comments as me sitting in his camp. I can assure you i'm not - i'm simply trying to give you a male perspective as well as a perspective from all the men and women i've coached over the years.

            I hope that makes sense.

            Let me know if you have any further queries.

            Thanks
            Sri

            Comment


            • #7
              Hi Sri,


              So, he texted me Happy Birthday.......at 8pm last nite. I don't know what to do at this point. Glad to hear from him....but kind of still sour being that I really wanted to spend it with him...don't know what to do?

              Any advice?

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by hafa View Post
                Hi Sri,


                So, he texted me Happy Birthday.......at 8pm last nite. I don't know what to do at this point. Glad to hear from him....but kind of still sour being that I really wanted to spend it with him...don't know what to do?

                Any advice?
                Hi hafa

                This isn't all the surprising to be perfectly honest. Both men and women who are in this situation and have called off a relationship/potential relationship always tend to follow up with a nice message when the opportunity arises. They hate rejection and the thought of someone not liking them. However, the question is - do you want to respond with fear or love as your foundations?

                As long as you hold onto the 'sour' feelings, you are preventing yourself from moving forward and that is never a great thing.

                So my advice would be to work from the inside out. Discover strategies to heal the sadness, anger, frustration etc inside and also forgive him for his behaviour. Then from that place, you allow yourself to be centred and then can decide which way you want to move forward.

                Hope that makes sense.

                Thanks
                Sri

                Comment


                • #9
                  Hi Sri,

                  Thank you so much as always, for you insight.


                  Actually, I did decide to reply to his text several hours later with not much sent accept a "thank you for sending well wishes" and a smiley face.....haven't gotten a reply back yet.....but since there is no other reason for him to contact me...unless he decides to respond....and there is no event or life circumstance that would make us have to further communicate....I am simply going to prepare to never hear from him again....though sad...but the conclusion I guess.

                  And the funny thing is...I was checking out the website of one of fav entertainers yesterday just on random. And as irony may have it, she is going to be playing in his home state this month. Now, though I know that should I decide to go, doesn't mean we would ever bump into each other .....just because we're in the same state. But, for the simple fact that it's going to be there is reasons why, I won't go.

                  I don't want to be that person, that tries to place themselves in a situation to make something happen by either telling someone...you're in town so let's meet up...or hopes of bumping into that person because of..... So as much as I would love to go to the concert in couple of weeks. I simply won't go to eliminate any of that..I don't even want the temptation to want to contact him... by being in his neck of the woods.....

                  Again, now that my birthday has passed. It's time to see whether I meant anything or not.....and if not, well...as the Lennon song goes.....Let it be, let it be!!!
                  Last edited by hafa; 04-10-2017, 07:20 PM.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by hafa View Post
                    Hi Sri,

                    Thank you so much as always, for you insight.


                    Actually, I did decide to reply to his text several hours later with not much sent accept a "thank you for sending well wishes" and a smiley face.....haven't gotten a reply back yet.....but since there is no other reason for him to contact me...unless he decides to respond....and there is no event or life circumstance that would make us have to further communicate....I am simply going to prepare to never hear from him again....though sad...but the conclusion I guess.

                    And the funny thing is...I was checking out the website of one of fav entertainers yesterday just on random. And as irony may have it, she is going to be playing in his home state this month. Now, though I know that should I decide to go, doesn't mean we would ever bump into each other .....just because we're in the same state. But, for the simple fact that it's going to be there is reasons why, I won't go.

                    I don't want to be that person, that tries to place themselves in a situation to make something happen by either telling someone...you're in town so let's meet up...or hopes of bumping into that person because of..... So as much as I would love to go to the concert in couple of weeks. I simply won't go to eliminate any of that..I don't even want the temptation to want to contact him... by being in his neck of the woods.....

                    Again, now that my birthday has passed. It's time to see whether I meant anything or not.....and if not, well...as the Lennon song goes.....Let it be, let it be!!!

                    Hi hafa

                    Firstly, belated birthday wishes. I hope you had a great day :-)

                    Good on you for replying back to his message and being kind about it. As you say, it's about surrendering this situation now and letting it be (as you say). The feeling of rejection (which this is at the core of it), creates obsession and hence, the best thing you can do is relinquish your attachment to the situation and then move forward.

                    As for the entertainer, personally I don't see anything wrong with going but you need to decide whether you feel you would end up succumbing to temptation and texting him etc? If you think you will, then maybe don't go. If not, then you should absolutely go cause i'm sure it will be a lot of fun! The key though is - what is your intention for going? If it's to try and place yourself in a situation where you can see him (like you say), then that's the wrong intention. If you are going purely to see the entertainer and have fun, then wonderful.

                    Thanks
                    Sri

                    Comment

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