Is This Long Distance Relationship Built To Last?

[Terry]

I would like to your thoughts on my current situation.

It's not exactly a crisis or anything dramatic - I like to check the status of my relationship and pay attention to how I handle the 'smaller' things as well as the big.

I live in the UK and I met a girl in California in June, and hung with her/her friends and also met her family for a few days, kept in very regular contact over the months that followed getting to know her gradually (deeper stuff like values and future hopes as well as the usual), then spent part of my Xmas holiday over there again with her.

We got on really well and Skyped regularly afterward, then in late February I decided to ask her to be my girlfriend.

This is actually my first serious relationship and the long distance situation without any physicality has proved to be challenging to say the least.

Recently I sense a decline taking place, she's testing me more, becoming very casual with our Skype 'dates', not bothering to wear make-up and generally disinterest/disengagement in conversation showing.

Quite a contrast to how things were.

Maybe individually these things do not make a big deal, but together I feel they could be signs of a deeper, underlying problem. I really want to take charge of this situation, but in the best way.

When I've dated women in person I've managed to keep attraction level consistent and respond to tests in a way that demonstrates that I can stand up for myself (without being a domineering jack ass), however I feel like things are slipping in this relationship.

I'd really like your advice on the responding to tests in the best way (she is quite a sensitive person) and the best ideas/mind-set for keeping attraction in this particular situation (specifically between our face to face meetings).

If you have any other thoughts that you feel are more important for relationship management/addressing situations early then I'd love to hear them.

I'd just like to end by saying I've really benefited from your advice and products so far so thank you for the work you do.

[Clay]

Hello Terry:

I'm not a huge fan of long-distance exclusive relationships. Considering you're as far away from her as you are, your situation is that much more challenging.

When I've dated women in person I've managed to keep attraction level consistent

I think that's a major key, right there.

I know you're not going to like hearing this, but there's just no substitute for being there. The two of you have only seen each other ONCE since almost a year ago.

That kind of relationship is flat-out unsustainable--well, unless both of you are pretty much desperate and dateless apart from each other, which I suspect you are not.

Given what you've shared with me, I'm all but sure she's starting to lose interest.

The increased "testing" could very well be her attempt to look for a good excuse to lose attraction for you and/or break up with you.

Her taking less effort to look attractive could point to her wanting (even if unconsciously) for YOU to lose attraction for her so she wouldn't have to take on the burden of initiating the break up.

Either way, both factors along with your mention of her being a "sensitive person" indicate that she might have some guilt about breaking things off.

You've probably been wonderful and attracted her like mad when the two of you are together. But dude...seeing each other once a year?

She lives in California, for heaven's sake.

So the bottom line is this: Do you REALLY want to hold this relationship together?

If so, you've GOT to deal with the "out of sight, out of mind" reality.

Forget what you've heard in fairy tales, this is the real world. You're going to have to SHOW UP more often, and I'd say that means once every month to six weeks minimum.

If that can't be swung, you've got to move to California. Period.

Now, I fully realize this forces you to deal with the question of whether or not you value the potential of this relationship more that the comfort, stability, existing relationships and/or even the very sustainability of your lifestyle in the UK.

And uprooting yourself would not exactly involve a "sure thing" at the other end.

But I mean heck, think of it this way. What's the alternative?

At the rate of spending a few days together once a year, how many YEARS is it going to take for you to have spent enough time together to know you're truly compatible enough to last long-term? 25? 30?

Sure, I asked Emily to marry me after seven months and we were married after nine. But we also spent just about EVERY waking hour together during that time...and yet I'm sure that by the reckoning of many we still got married too soon.

[Kate]

A long distance relationship requires commitment, strong ties to each other, telling the truth and being totally honest with one another. To endure it requires two people who genuinely love each other. The type of long distance relationship I am talking about is overseas dating or international dating. This is truly a long distance relationship.

Being in this type of relationship is one of the hardest things you can do, but well worth it. Being away from someone who you have come to love can be emotionally draining but here are some tips that may help.

1. You must communicate regularly. A combination of emails, phone calls, instant messages, Skype or webcam sessions are great ways to communicate in a long distance relationship. With work, and other daily obligations, communication can be the first thing to go. Try to set up a daily routine. The best time is usually at the end of the day when you both can discuss how your day went. Even a few minutes together every day to connect and check in with each other can produce amazing results.

2. Another nice thing can be to surprise them with a call or text message about how much you miss them or love them. An occasional unexpected voice mail, email or text can go far in showing them you are thinking of them during the day.

3. You will both have to make compromises at times. You may need to forego weekend plans or stay home from a party so you can connect with your sweetheart by phone, webcam or text. When you do go out with friends or family, be sure to tell your partner what you are doing and make a point to include them in your daily activities so they have a better understanding of your life and how you spend your time. Keep them included in your life. Make time for them. Even if you have to work all weekend, make sure you connect and let them know you are thinking about them.

4. Set up a time one weekend every now and then for them as well. Plan to goof off on the webcam and talk on the phone and just talk about your childhood, funny things that have happened to you and your hopes and dreams for the future. Listen to your partners stories as well. These times are so valuable for really getting to know someone.

5. You have to trust that your partner is being faithful and committed to you. It can be hard to trust and it is perfectly natural for bad thoughts to creep into your mind from time to time. Be sure to talk this out with your sweetheart. Jealousy and distrust will not hold you together. Honesty and communication will.

6. Don't ever assume you know what your partner is doing or thinking. If you have doubts or questions about something, ask! Communicating by email is especially difficult because you can not see the other person's face or hear the tone in their voice. You may misinterpret an email and if you don't ask about it, you could create hard or negative feelings without even realizing it.

7. Keep the romance alive by telling your partner how much they mean to you. Don't hesitate to send a spontaneous email or text. Let them know you are thinking about them. Let them know you miss them and try to always plan your next meeting so there is something positive to look forward to and talk about.

This may seem like a lot to take in but it will be well worth it when you are finally together. A couple that has survived a long distance relationship is stronger and their relationship is built on a firm foundation of communication, trust and patience. Good luck and enjoy getting to know each other one day at a time!

[John]

Let us be sincere, distance cannot, and will not hurt a bond between two people that is based on mutual respect, trust, commitment, and love. This is true because, 'Love', when it is viewed in its logical nature transcends the very core of our human values. Love works through the human psyche and is often a determinant factor upon which our world is ruled and governed. As such, it is not out of place to say that, love governs the laws of the cosmos.

Steadfastness is a vital key to maintaining a relationship that is affected by distance. As such, it is common for individuals to look down on the marvels of love and misjudge its efficacy, but the, love is what it is; a gift to humanity. This is why I often tell those whom I counsel that, 'although you may feel like you are losing faith in your relationship at times, hold fast and trust your heart!' This assurance as helped build a healthy view with which some of them have based there relationship when it is tested by distance.

In every truth, like you, I believe that love & relationships are what make our lives special, and that the ones built on love & understanding are always worth preserving, regardless of the miles that may separate two people. Hence, the important factor to consider at the outset, is to ensure that you are both clear on the parameters of the relationship. To that effect, setting parameters such as naming your relationship, as well as defining the exclusive or non-exclusive aspect is vital. Although, doing these can be difficult and awkward, but it has been tested and proven as a great asset that saves individuals the great heartache and misunderstanding that can come down the line.

Consider the following; "Are you open to the possibility of relocating if the relationship should become more serious?" or "What are you looking to get out of the relationship?" Addressing these questions help the two of you understand the possible risks that may set in, and your end goal or ideas will enable each person to maintain what they need, and working towards getting it. It is then advisable for couples to do things together. Doing things together helps to defy the distance. This is because, as a long distance couple, it is extremely important to do things together besides the usual curriculum of activities that are common to most relationships. This helps to spice up the relationship and make both persons aware of the commitment involved.

Another way out is to communicate in some particular way every day, more than once if possible. Given the fact that you won't be seeing each other, it is very important to establish a strong emotional connection. This does not necessarily have to be a long, in-depth conversation over the phone; it must come at the needed times. Try to tell each other about your successes and disappointments. Send short messages to each other; the phone and internet can be vital tools to be used at that point in time. And remember that e-mail and even instant messengers can increase the possibility of misunderstandings. Hence, I would advice that you write love letters on most occasions.

[Terry]

Thank you all for your advice.