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When you both have anxiety/depression

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MillionaireMatch

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  • When you both have anxiety/depression

    I just need to spill my entire brain. My boyfriend of 8 months has extremely bad depression spells. We don't live in the same country. Right now he's going through it. He lashes out at me and will tell me he's not sure of the future anymore. He has been talking to me about marriage and having kids since very early on and with a lot of passion. We've known each other since we were kids but grew up separately when I moved to the states. So I believed him and I wanted it to. Thing is, he'll say it, then the next day be totally normal and talk about things in the future like nothing ever happened. He usually will explain the next day (like this time he said he was broke and frustrated with work). He always calls and texts me back. He stays on the phone with me watching movies for hours until he falls asleep. I feel so emotionally exhausted. I don't know what's true or not anymore and I was so sure before. Worst part is, he's still depressed (but it's getting better) and I can't talk to him about it. My anxiety obviously makes this almost unbearable and I can't concentrate on anything, even to watch tv. I just had to vent somewhere. I hope it makes sense.

  • #2
    I think you should give him space to allow him go through the depression. Whenever you both talk on phone just talk about everything else without bring up the issue of commitment. When he is over the depression you can talk about commitment. I know he is going to get married to you because all signs shows he still loves you.

    Good luck.

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    • #3
      These Words May Just Be An Extension Of His Initial Unhappiness: I don't think that you need to press him for a final answer right now. His words were unfortunate, but they are likely just born out of the same confusion, frustration, and unhappiness that brought about the separation in the first place. Him not being able to picture a future with you this very second doesn't mean that he won't ever be able to picture a future with you.

      Read The Clues That He Is Giving You: I know that it might not seem like an advantage right now, but your boyfriend has given you some clues about where his reservations lie. That is very important. You know that he feels that the two of you do not effectively work around the conflict that happens because of your different personalities. This is something that has already been identified. And because of that, it can also be addressed and fixed.

      If this is the only problem (and only you would know whether this is true or not) then removing this obstacle might make him see his future with you as much more positive, enjoyable, and possible.

      Building On What You've Already Established: You've said that the two of you have been making progress during the separation and have been having productive talks. By all means continue on with this. I can't overstate the importance of building a new foundation and showing your boyfriend new behaviors. I think that it would be a very good idea to get some assistance in conflict resolution. Sometimes, this comes through counseling or self help. Regardless of how you do it, I think that it's important to find something that is very effective, to stick with it, and to let your boyfriend know that you have taken the initiative to do this.

      Then, when the two of you are together, you can make sure he sees that new part of you. He needs to see that your personality differences do not always mean conflict. He needs to see that you can navigate your differences without huge problems or stress. Once he does, it will likely be much easier for him to envision a future with you.

      Know That This Is Somewhat Typical: I know that his words are extremely hurtful and can make you worry about the future of your marriage. But honestly, many separated boyfriends say these types of things in the beginning. Perceptions can change as progress begins. Doubts begin to diminish. The loving feelings can begin to overshadow the standing issues. When these things happen, his image of the future can just naturally improve. At that point, he may no longer have those reservations and doubts.

      Yes, this can take time, finesse, and patience. But change happens all of the time. I know that it might be tempting to just feel that your situation is hopeless. But that really isn't to your benefit. The better play would be to build on the progress that you have already made and then add some new skills and changes to this. Doing so would likely decrease your boyfriend's doubts and increase his comfort level in thoughts of your future.


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