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  • My Man told me he needs time alone

    My Apologies my story a bit long!!



    We met 11 months ago in London. We clicked and connected right away. We laughed we talk about all our worries about everything our feelings to each other attraction and eventually unannounced we felt deep in love. We both divorced last year and saw so many similarities from our past issues and previous relationships and we both discussed all we want from each other and be sure not to repeated the same mistakes and learned from our past. I felt we both ticked each other boxes as 2 people with experienced. We realised we want to be in the life of each other and start making plans for future to have a house and start a family together once we both sort out a few financial situation. He was, when we met in a very stressing job as head of a large company. He was always stressed and worried that he was not getting the result needed to keep the company at flow. I motivated him support him give him the strength he needed to keep going and support his idea of looking for a new job. Suddenly 5 months after we were going very strong and serious he lost his job and just blocked me on wahtssap and on his phone that same day without a word. I was devastated and lost. I could not make sense of it as the day before we were normal and saying our love for each other than seeing myself being cut off with no word was hard on me. He sent me an email telling me he was a mess he needed time to get himself back and figured out his life. I tried to give him courage even though I was very hurt that he cut me off without a discussion and a decision together. As we were more of a team , as if we knew other a lifetime. 5 weeks later, after this hard disappointment from my side and a hard acceptance of things he made contact again. And told me he was still out of job and he loves me he was just lost himself than he wanted us to go strong together for good. We went back together stronger than before. Supporting him with the jobs hunts getting closer and closer. Then 10 weeks later he got a job offer to Washington in the US. He came my house, we discussed the benefits of the job wish we both knew he needs to feel fulfil as a man and all the aspect of a long distance relationship. I supported him and motivated him for the job as I knew how hard it is for him to find a Job in London and financially could not go more than 3 months without one. We decided that our relation is strong and we will video call chat talk etc..and he told me of his vision for the next position within the same company in 2 years time a position which will allow him to come back to London and be base there. This way we could start our life together getting a house and have kids if lucky etc..We told each other that communication was key and our best way to go through the 2 years contract. And we would travel occasionally to see each other. He flew there end of June. He became very stressed of lacking staff and managers and feel estranged in a new country with no real friend and none there. At this stage he was doing 15 hours work a day until he can hired new staff to cover some areas. We texted each day morning and night and talk every few days. I keep encouraging him and support him. A couple of weeks ago I noticed our text and contact getting shorter and less. I texted him and told him to call me so we can discussed and make sure our relation does not go ashtray as we cannot be physically together we have to talk and see what we need to do to get over a rough period which we both were having . He texted me saying" I AM IN A MEETING" . Then the next day He said again I AM IN A MEETING. Then never called. Before I know I got a text saying " I do not want to let you go but I feel I need to as I need to focus solely on work which is where I am. And I need time to deal with all issues as I am under snow by work." That was 7 days ago. I texted him after a few days broken upset he went on is promises on our promises to never let each other go, to be strong. But I get the same cold response " I am in meeting or I need time to deal with stuff" I asked him if he met someone he told me he has no time for this no one involved. I might sound silly to say as a grown woman but I am heartbroken. I feel I lost my man my friend my companion everything in a whim . He says he loves me but need to deal with what it is in front of him. I I feel so let down and feel our trust and bound is broken. I love him as much a woman can love rationally but I see a big hole in front of me at the moment. Will he ever come back? we were so good together it is amazing the interaction the friendship the passion we shared and now all is over and I feel lost and betrayed.


    Regards,




    Betinav

  • #2
    There may be several different reasons for his sudden decision. Whether it be, he has commitment phobia, he's insecure and afraid you may break up with him first, or he needs to get out with buddies and not be tied down. The list could go on and on.

    So what should you do if your boyfriend wants to take a break and you just can't imagine letting him go? Here are a few tips on how to get my ex back if he needs space.
    1. This first tip is the most important and should not be skipped or ignored! You have to make it seem as though you do care for him, but that you are OK and will live your life and be fine without him. You don't have to completely shut yourself off to him, just don't appear needy and desperate. If he thinks it would be that easy to have you back, you become far less appealing to him.
    2. Keep communication to a bare minimum for the time being. If he needs space then by all means give him some. If he feels crowded by phone calls, text messages, or emails it will certainly push him further away. If he truly has feelings for you, then you know the expression "absence makes the heart grow fonder," well it is absolutely true. If the feelings are there, you better believe he is thinking of you.
    3. If he does still have feelings for you and starts to show an interest again, now is the time to show him the person he fell in love with. Keep it light and have some fun. Don't bring up any issues you may have had or ask a lot of questions about why he needed space in the first place. Like I said be very nonchalant about the situation. He will see that you still care, but at the same time that you can go on without him which makes getting back together more worth while.
    4. When and ONLY when he seems ready to rekindle a relationship with you, then it would be a good time to talk about what was going on that he felt he needed a break. Be open and listen to what he has to say without judgment. If he is opening up and being honest, then you owe it to him to let him know you care enough to work together to solve any problems you may have.
    5. If your boyfriend has not responded to anything so far, it may be time to come to terms with the fact that it may not work out. Sometimes a boyfriend that wants to take a break and needs space is just looking for a way out. Coming up with excuses like needing space is just easier for some then coming out and telling the truth. If this seems to be the case, then you really should let him go. Letting him go now without becoming desperate and maybe doing things you'll regret, will leave a better impression in his mind which may possibly give your relationship another shot in the future.

    These tips are just the tip of the iceberg in winning your ex back. There are always more options or approaches depending on the situation. Just remember if he wants to take a break and needs space, respect his wishes to have any significant chance of getting him back.

    Comment


    • #3
      Fortunately, it's possible for your relationships to work.

      Understanding
      Long distance relationships require a certain degree of understanding, which comes from having patience. You're not going to have the same sort of relationship you would if you lived close to your sweetheart. You need to understand the fact that your online sweetheart is going to go out with friends occasionally.

      Avoid Clinging
      Many relationships have ended due to one person being too clingy. You might think it's not possible to be clingy since each person is far away from one another. However, it's even more possible since you don't get to see your mate. Your online sweetheart is going to have times when he/she is away and you aren't going to be with him/her. With these types of relationships... sometimes you just have to deal with it.

      Abusing Freedom
      If you want your current long distance relationship to last, you're going to have to show consideration to your online sweetheart. Just because your boyfriend/girlfriend isn't around that doesn't mean you get to go out with other people. These relationships require commitment; you need to be willing to settle down even if you don't get to cuddle with your online sweetheart all the time.

      Full Determination
      Commitment plus determination will be your answer to "How to save a long distance relationship?" Without both, you'll find your relationship just isn't strong enough to hold through the distance.

      Long distance relationships require work. You may find yourself second-guessing the reason you began the relationship especially when things get rough. While you may want to leave your current relationship (even if you love your mate), utilize the four tips above to help you weather the storm during those times.

      Comment


      • #4
        There's often a kind of magic about a long distance relationship, and that magic is one of two possible kinds. So the question of how to save such a relationship that is suffering depends on the kind of magic that it has.

        What kind of magic has your long distance relationship? Is it the magic that you find in every successful relationship, where you would do anything and go anywhere just to be with the one you love? Where you can be completely at ease and happy just being with your loved one? Where it doesn't matter what obstacles lie in life's path, you know you'll both float over them together because nothing else matters - only your love for each other? This kind of magic is there in spite of the long distance between you.

        Or is it the other kind of magic you sometimes find with a long distance relationship? This is the magic that is only there because it's a long distance relationship, and there's little or no possibility of meeting up together in the short term. It's the excitement and "mystery" of having a "secret" lover that your immediate circle of friends and colleagues never, or hardly ever, meet.

        This is a dangerous kind of relationship to have in the long term, because at some point you're going to have to decide whether to undergo a life-changing event to make that relationship more immediate, and delete the "long distance" aspect of it. Perhaps it will be by one of you moving location to live together in a strange town or locality, away from friends and family.

        Or if your separation is temporary, even if for two or three years, for example owing to attendance at university or college in another part of the country, or abroad, then at some stage the absent party is going to return and the relationship will face a real test of how it fares when you are both together on a daily basis.

        The danger lies in the old sayings of "distance lends enchantment" and "absence makes the heart grow fonder". When you're in a long distance relationship it's easy to forget, or avoid, the little niggling things that your lover does that irritate you. You don't have to put up with their annoying habits, or risk conflict as you both try to adjust to each other.

        If that is what it would be like were the two of you together then the relationship is doomed and not worth saving. So you have to be sure that you and your lover will "gel" together once you are reunited.

        If the magic is there in spite of the long distance nature of the relationship then you have a much stronger foundation for a firm union once you are back living together again. So what can you do if, in spite of this, your relationship is under threat, whether or not because of the long distance aspect?

        Your best option is to travel the distance to be with your lover in person, even if only for a day or so. Make sure they are going to be free when you arrive, and not, for example, studying for an exam the next day, or going out of town. If you're the man, send her some flowers ahead of your arrival. If you're the lady, send him some small gift you know he'll appreciate, with a note giving your time of arrival.

        If travelling the distance is out of the question, use all the means at your disposal to do the next best thing, for example making contact by web cam. Only use the telephone if there is nothing better available at the time.

        Whatever you do, get to the root of the problem as soon as possible. Be ready to accept that the procedures used in the past to keep your relationship healthy have failed and you need to make fresh, better arrangements. Sometimes one party can despair at the long distance between you, and may need fresh inspiration and hope. Make sure you can supply them.

        Always be optimistic and positive, especially when it comes to saying goodbye for now. Focus on when you will both be together again and make sure your lover does as well. And always remind them of the magic, whatever it is, that holds your relationship together.

        Comment


        • #5
          Hi,

          You don't have anything to worry about, he simply just need time alone for now. He wants time to deal with problems he is having at his work place. He will definitely get in touch with you when he has resolved whatever issue he is having.

          However, don't contact him for now; no texting, no calling, no emailing. You will appear clingy when you still continue contacting him, and it will eventually turn him off.

          Good luck!

          Comment


          • #6
            Hi Everyone!



            I felt almost in tears when I logged in earlier and saw your replies!




            This is my first post ever on any forum and I felt so much better that I could shared my worries and get so much support from you. I have being keeping myself from myself in pain and silence since last week not been able to share my troubles with anyone, worried my friends might not understand and being a bit judgemental for I only been a recent divorcee. So I cry in silence day and night each time I feel lonely and feel the weight of this situation.
            I cannot believe how much I love this man considering I can be quite cold and uninterested when I do not correspond to someone else expectation from me. I love this man and I am surprised how much I am. We met so casually but it did seem to us Destiny played its role We shared so many commune aspects.

            The relation was just effortless. He wanted to be best he can be for me and I wanted to be best I can be for him and make it work. The second time he came back in my life he requested to meet my daughter we agreed to but just as a friend. My daughter is only 6 and I am very careful when it come to anyone to meet her. And to be honest i was not interested in meeting anyone during my separation period and was thinking of going a while with no one in my life Until i met him.

            Once he saw her he told me this is what he wants a family together. he is 43 I am 38 both divorce. We were certain we both knew what we want next and of life. We even start thinking and imagining the kind of house we would want for a bigger family . To tell you the truth when we got together his ex was quite angry finding out about us early after his divorce and she even made contact with me trying to discredit him. I was shocked and had second thought about having his ex as a trouble maker in our life. He stand by me, Convincing am the one he loves and he wants. We both felt lucky to finally found each other and he was more in dismay than me. As he always said that a woman like me can get better he cannot believed i choose him. And i tell him each time I chose him I love him he is the one i want and the one who makes me believe in relationship again and he would say the same.

            The first text about him needed time alone was last Monday 31st. I got so upset and in tears and of course I texted that night convincing him asking him what went wrong why he is acting this way . We made that job decision together and before he accepted it while i had my paranoia moment about loosing him for the American Dream and the Job he was the one keeping me firm keeping me secure saying "I am crazy for you baby do you really think I would let you go after i found you now? it is a job. I will go there and perform and do a great job to allow me to go for the next position to be able to come back to you and start a life" those were his answers.

            After the text exchanged Monday 31st i stayed away no texting but dying in side and feel like the ghost of me. I attempted again on Wednesday he was all " baby i am only asking for some time alone . i need time to achieved what need to be done here. I need to go"

            I will follow your advises and not making any contact. He needs to come back end of September in London mostly Ireland to renew his work visa in the USA. I don't know if coming back here would make him remember me or just dismissed the whole thing and focus on his life in the USA. Whatever it is i will no longer make contact or attempt. I feel betrayed and hurt that he turned on me only 8 weeks after starting that job which we almost sign together I have motivated him to give it a go so he can have the chance to become the man he wants to be professionally and feel fulfil.

            What is wrong with having both the perfect job and the girl, when lucky enough to have found both? why can't some people have to be all about a choice at some point? I believe firmly a balance can always be achieved. It might be a general thing that all come down to one choice it certainly not for me.


            I feel angry for he is throwing away a great woman who wants to be by his side no matter what for who he is and not what he is and a great relationship. We were amazingly good together as if 2 connected mind. I told him one day he will realised his mistake as there is nothing better out there. I know many people going on dating and dating hoping to find one day that man, that one who will stand out the crowd but it is hard to find as no one is really perfect!

            We just have to appreciated a good one when we find one. At this stage maybe I end up appreciating him more than he valued me ? We need each other and with this thought I want to believed he will make contact one day . Only hope he won't be too late by the time he makes it. As who knows tomorrow!!! I still feel like a mess but being in touch with you guys give me renewed strength!

            Thank you!

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by Betinav View Post
              We need each other and with this thought I want to believed he will make contact one day . Only hope he won't be too late by the time he makes it. As who knows tomorrow!!!
              Yeah, you just need to move on. It definitely will be too late when he comes back, because you might have been with someone better than him. Like the saying, "every day that passes by is an opportunity to meet someone better."

              You are will meet someone that values you, and will love you so much.

              Good luck!

              Comment


              • #8
                Thank you Brett!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Hi Me again!
                  I am still a mess as I am trying still to understand what could have gone wrong. Why the day before we were saying I love you to each other than 2 days later I got such a cold stone man saying " I need to focus solely on work". I know he was going through a rough time feeling lonely in a new country and living in his work place a 4 walls hotel with lots of responsibilities and pressure to do a great job. But how can he push away the only person who supports him 100% the closest person not even a lover more the closest friend cause we were both lovers and friends. I tried to stay away but I got tempted last week Tuesday 15/08 and decided to text him to help me understand how can the man who wanted so much our relation to go on in spite of the distance between us him in the USA and me in London. I texted asking What I have done wrong how could we go from been a team strong and open to become strangers the next day?

                  His answer was" I have told you you have done nothing wrong. I am so preoccupied by work I don't want you to rely on me as I can't give you the commitment you are looking from me right now. I cannot commit now."


                  I feel really upset as commitment was something we both agreed and wanted. By saying this he makes me feel like I am the needee one wanting for commitment.


                  He wanted commitment even more than me . We sworn to EACH OTHER to stay truthfully and take our relation as far as possible braving the long distance. . How can he accused and make me feel as I am the one in need of commitment.? I feel more Betrayed than ever. Not only he is not a man of his words but also a man who broke every bit of trust we had, that I had in him.

                  The last text I got from him was " I do not want to forget about you. U were an amazing part of my life but I cannot commit now. It's almost 6am i have to open the restaurant then have 4 meetings back to back conference calls photo shoot of the hotel then open the bar still 11.00 pm. I an snowed under and buried" That was the last answer. Today it's his birthday I have no longer any intention of contacting him i feel to hurt. My chest hurts each time .But I have decided to delete all numbers and stay away. I am tired and feel no strength left by trying to make a reasonable explanation of all this.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Betinav View Post
                    Today it's his birthday I have no longer any intention of contacting him i feel to hurt. My chest hurts each time .But I have decided to delete all numbers and stay away. I am tired and feel no strength left by trying to make a reasonable explanation of all this.
                    I know exactly how you feel. You feel hurt, betrayed, neglected and down-trodden. We have all gone through this stage at one point in our lives. Relationships always have ups and downs.

                    My advice to you is to move on with grace, just as you have decided.

                    Remember, everyday is an opportunity to meet better people.

                    Best wishes.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      What happens after a breakup is that anger, confusion, and resentment build up in the dumpee. As the dumpee, you must realize there is a period of time you'll have to deal with, where all these emotions will be surfacing. It won't be easy.

                      You'll be feeling that there's no closure to the relationship; you were left hanging in the dark by your ex. They did not explain their feelings, their reasons for breaking up, or anything to you.

                      As the dumpee, this leaves you feeling powerless; you were never given a chance to voice your feelings in the relationship. You weren't given the chance to understand what you could have done different, or what caused the breakup.

                      You *might* find your ex coming back of their own accord a little while later. If this happens and they say things like, "I really missed you," "It was a big mistake on my part," "I really want to be with you now, not with that other person I was seeing," they STILL didn't explain why they broke up with you.

                      So you need to prepare yourself. The real problem needs to get out in the open. If you cannot talk to your partner and there was not equal listening time between you, with the joint effort to meet each others' needs, the relationship will fail.

                      Honesty and openness need to be the foundation of your relationship. If the relationship is not built on trust, it will be impossible for you to move forward with each other. You will get stuck rehashing the same arguments over and over. So what you need to do to get your ex to LISTEN to you after a breakup is to...

                      1. Write a letter, agreeing with the breakup.

                      2. Say you're moving on and mention exciting things going on in your life.

                      3. Sign the letter with your name. It needs to be a handwritten letter. No phone calls or emails or Facebook messages. Write your ex a letter. That leaves the door open for them.

                      Ultimately, any relationship stands a chance if both parties are willing to work through its problems. If love is the foundation, then this breakup may just be your ex's attempt to get some time alone, to re-establish their own sense of self.

                      You can use this time for yourself, as well; what positive things might have come out of this breakup for you?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Thank you guys . I appreciated your support!


                        Sandra to be honest at the moment I cannot see anything positive yet. I am still so full of anger for his betrayal.


                        He always thought that I will be the one leaving him at the beginning of the relation that he was "supposedly looking to high".


                        If there is one thing I am sure 100% we were in love with each other and I want to believed he meant it. Not a day has passed in the past 9 months we don't declare our love for each other and promised ourselves to each other.


                        What upset me more is we are 2 adults who been through marriage and divorce and we both knew exactly what we wanted and expected from each other.


                        I do not want to find excuses for him as someone who cannot deal with life pressure but in the end this is exactly what I see . Someone who gives up first challenges and shut the door on people closest to him. I have asked him in my last text "where did my fighter go? Where is the resilient and the brave man I know gone? The man i supported and I felt in love with , where did he go?

                        Even though he smashed my smashed my heart to pieces with his cold words that day " I cannot commit now" I still tried to give him strength to go on and face his wok challenges I still tried to pull him up and give him something to believed in. But his answer was " that man is being buried at the moment" .

                        You are right Sandra I was not given a chance to voiced my feeling instead I was reduced to tell all my confusion angers and frustration to a mere text. And this shows the little respect he has toward me . This is killing me . He knows me so well and he knows exactly where to hurt me.

                        At the moment I still look like a ghost daily I cannot shut my thoughts or block them to stop thinking about him. I am angry and disappointed at the way he handles things.

                        Like I told him "if you are run away and shut people you love out because you cannot face obstacles and life challenge then you will be always a lonely man married to your job." By the time you will realised your mistakes he will be too late"


                        I have a very stressful life stress job stressful ex husband, alone in a country with no family but I still fight each day to make it through cause If I give up first challenges what would be left ? only depression and failure. He knows this is my way of life.

                        I became the best of me for him and he wanted to be the best of himself for us as well. He failed miserably.

                        I love this man still more than you can think but I am afraid he has broken this beautiful bound we had this amazing trust we had. This disappointment is what i, f i was given another chance to see him face to face would be the only reason to stop us growing in the future together.


                        I don't think this trust could ever be found again. He might think he hurt me and mess up only for now but what he left behind will be almost insurmountable to go pass.

                        Since last week I have decided to make contact with a Therapist to open up my chest as I feel I am exploding from inside and hate the way I feel so broken. I took a couple of aromatherapy massages to relax, I turned again to the church and start reading more. But I am a long way away still.

                        And i am afraid if I will learn something out of this Break up will be more to hardening myself and let me be loved instead of me loving. I do not want to become a hard woman with man but I feel like this is my only way to protect myself as I am going through a hell of place at the moment.




                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Thank you guys . I appreciated your support!


                          Sandra to be honest at the moment I cannot see anything positive yet. I am still so full of anger for his betrayal.


                          He always thought that I will be the one leaving him at the beginning of the relation that he was "supposedly looking to high".


                          If there is one thing I am sure 100% we were in love with each other and I want to believed he meant it. Not a day has passed in the past 9 months we don't declare our love for each other and promised ourselves to each other.


                          What upset me more is we are 2 adults who been through marriage and divorce and we both knew exactly what we wanted and expected from each other.


                          I do not want to find excuses for him as someone who cannot deal with life pressure but in the end this is exactly what I see . Someone who gives up first challenges and shut the door on people closest to him. I have asked him in my last text "where did my fighter go? Where is the resilient and the brave man I know gone? The man i supported and I felt in love with , where did he go?

                          Even though he smashed my smashed my heart to pieces with his cold words that day " I cannot commit now" I still tried to give him strength to go on and face his wok challenges I still tried to pull him up and give him something to believed in. But his answer was " that man is being buried at the moment" .

                          You are right Sandra I was not given a chance to voiced my feeling instead I was reduced to tell all my confusion angers and frustration to a mere text. And this shows the little respect he has toward me . This is killing me . He knows me so well and he knows exactly where to hurt me.

                          At the moment I still look like a ghost daily I cannot shut my thoughts or block them to stop thinking about him. I am angry and disappointed at the way he handles things.

                          Like I told him "if you are run away and shut people you love out because you cannot face obstacles and life challenge then you will be always a lonely man married to your job." By the time you will realised your mistakes he will be too late"


                          I have a very stressful life stress job stressful ex husband, alone in a country with no family but I still fight each day to make it through cause If I give up first challenges what would be left ? only depression and failure. He knows this is my way of life.

                          I became the best of me for him and he wanted to be the best of himself for us as well. He failed miserably.

                          I love this man still more than you can think but I am afraid he has broken this beautiful bound we had this amazing trust we had. This disappointment is what i, f i was given another chance to see him face to face would be the only reason to stop us growing in the future together.


                          I don't think this trust could ever be found again. He might think he hurt me and mess up only for now but what he left behind will be almost insurmountable to go pass.

                          Since last week I have decided to make contact with a Therapist to open up my chest as I feel I am exploding from inside and hate the way I feel so broken. I took a couple of aromatherapy massages to relax, I turned again to the church and start reading more. But I am a long way away still.

                          And i am afraid if I will learn something out of this Break up will be more to hardening myself and let me be loved instead of me loving. I do not want to become a hard woman with man but I feel like this is my only way to protect myself as I am going through a hell of place at the moment.

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