Work with ex girlfriend, love her, let her down but genuinely want her back

[Macca1986]

Just after a bit of advice and want to get things off my chest, get a few peoples opinions.

I’m a 31yo and she’s 26. Me and my now ex girlfriend (broke up just over a week ago) fell in love in a call centre we both work at just over a year ago. In that year we’ve been unseperable, been on holiday together, was about to move into a flat together and had the type of connection that other couples could only dream of.

I used to to go out a lot before we got together, hang out with the wrong people and do drugs and drink a lot. She knew that when she got with me but told me she hated it, so the first few months of our relationship I stopped doing it as much but now and again still went out behind her back and basically lied to her. She knew I was lying and I was only doing it because I didn’t want her thinking I was some sort of alcoholic or drug addict; it was just what I was used to doing and found it hard to let go.

Eventually I stopped speaking to my “friends” and realised where my priorities in life were, so for 5 months it was just me and her, and me being honest. Went on holiday in September, the best week of both of our lives.

Since we got back we’ve broken up for the odd day here and there about 3/4 times before getting back together but it’s always been obvious she doesn’t trust me. Then just before Christmas I had a few lines of coke and didn’t tell her. Then done the same again a few weeks ago. I just needed a release, I enjoy my own company and I know drugs isn’t the answer but it helps me have a good time sometimes, especially when I feel trapped and suffocated. I wasn’t being myself entirely, I was but I wasn’t, because I love her and I was scared of hurting her.

Anyway we still work together and have still been speaking and having a laugh like we always have done. The odd occasion I’ll message her but she never initiates contact, just replies to be nice basically. She’s saying she’ll never be able to trust me and I can see her point entirely, part of me says we were doomed from the start but part of me wants to win her over again but without coming across all despo and needy, which I haven’t don’t upto now.

what would you do in my shoes when I see her every day, can’t be her friend because I love her, and want her back? The thought of her not being in my life makes me feel sick because we were lovers and literally best mates at the same time. But I can’t be friends with the woman I love. I’ve admitted I’ve been a bit of a tit but I just wish she was a bit more easy going early on in our relationship. Does that just mean we was never right for each other?

its shit making memories and falling in love with someone only for it to fall apart

[Clay]

You need to quit thinking you're a pathetic loser. Do you expect other people to believe in you if you don't believe in yourself? You've got something special and make it shine, whatever it is! Be confident and this will radiate. Don't sulk at home and feel that it's the end of the world! Go out there and have some fun with your friends. Try not to flirt with other girls though because this will make your ex girlfriend question your sincerity. For the time being that you are apart, try to improve yourself or start doing the things you've always wanted to do. You'll be more attractive in her eyes.

It's very important to realize that you can't force someone to love you again but if she loved you at some point in her life, she may have a soft spot in her heart just for you. With that said, the next step on how to get her back is to have a heart-to-heart talk with her. This may sound corny to you but girls dig this. There's nothing better but having a real and heartfelt conversation with the man that I love after a breakup. Let your feelings out, tell her everything, this is not the time when you need to hold back. Make sure you are honest and sincere in every little thing that you say. Make her feel that you are still genuinely in love with her. You really don't need all those fancy gifts to give her, sometimes a woman just needs reassurance and sincerity on how to get her back.

[Alexa]

The first step to getting your woman back is to re-establish your value. This is important because by far the most common mistake a guy makes at the end of a relationship is to become needy. He practically gets on his hands and knees and begs his woman to take him back, and unfortunately this has the exact opposite effect of pushing her away.

It's simple human psychology, understood by any competent marketer or salesman: if something is in-demand and you have to work for it, you end up valuing it more. And unfortunately, when you become the crying man, pleading for your woman to take you back, she doesn't exactly have to work for you.

You'll have the best success, then, by re-establishing your value right away by sending your ex-girlfriend a handwritten cut-off note. Simply put, you tell her that you're going to give her time and space apart from you, you agree with the break up, and you're going to cut off communication with her for awhile so that both of you can have that healthy distance.

You end the note by saying that something exciting has happened in your life and you need to tell her about it sometime. This is extremely effective because it appeals to your ex's sense of curiosity, which is the strongest human emotion there is. Later when it comes time to re-initiate communication with your ex, she will be unable to resist speaking with you again.

(By the way, my idea of a cut-off note works so well that I've seen another relationship "guru" steal it and claim it as his own.)

The second step is to build your attractiveness. I've identified 11 traits that women are attracted to, which I call the "Attraction Dials." Your turn the dials, and you turn up the desire a woman has for you.

These Attraction Dials are as follows:

1. Being a Leader -- You talk and others (especially other men) listen.
2. Masculine Good Looks -- Women use the word "cute," "handsome," or even "hot" to describe you. They compliment you on various aspects of how you're put together such as "nice shirt!".
3. Physical Health and Strength -- You're in shape.
4. Confidence -- You move through life with self-assurance, without fear of others judging you.
5. Being Happy and Non-Needy -- You have no need to pressure the woman or to try to control her behavior.
6. Having Other Women Interested in You -- If a woman knows she's got competition to win you, then you look that much more appealing in her eyes.
7. Being Popular -- You have a large network of people you know.
8. Being Interesting, Intriguing, Fun and a Captivating -- You bring a huge relief to a woman's boring life.
9. Being Assertive -- You can protect those around you.
10. Making Her Laugh -- If a woman is laughing at what you say, it is psychologically impossible for her to dislike you.
11. Having Drive -- You're ambitious and have passions you're pursuing

Step three is to identify the mistakes you made previously in the relationship and learn from them so that when you have the relationship re-run, you and your woman will stay together. After all, it isn't any more fun being dumped a second time!

I'm drastically over-simplifying here, but the elements of a successful relationship are:

1. You're a man who is generally dominant rather than wish-washy, confident in himself, and an alpha male.
2. You give your woman positive emotions.
3. Emotionally, she needs you more than you need her. (You can stand on your own two feet and don't need her to be your psychologist or mother-figure.)
4. You have frequent and pleasurable physical relations with her.

Step four is to re-initiate communication with your woman after a full 21 days of keeping her 100% cut off from you. Then you get her to hang out with you so you can re-attract her.

In order to be able to meet with her, make sure to let her know that you're totally fine with the break up and just want to be friends at this point. Be totally nonchalant and cool. You want her to wonder what's changed and what's going on with you.

Then when the two of you hang out, you turn her Attraction Dials and completely astound her and sweep her off her feet. I go into a lot more details in my book, but it's as simple as that, and this is the closest thing to a foolproof system to re-attract your ex-girlfriend that you'll ever find.