Should I pursue her or is it over?

[TurntSloth]

Hi all, I really need some advice about this girl here and I'd love every piece I can get - I've just realised this is quite a long post, but I have a lot things to explain.
Stick with me here!

*****

So in June a new girl starts at work and we hit it off instantly. From day one we're flirting, and things move pretty quickly after that: we're texting by the end of her first week, I went to meet her and her friends at a festival a week later and we ended up having our first kiss and staying long after everyone else, then a week after that we go on our first official date and end up sleeping together.
As I say, things moved pretty quickly and from that point onwards it was established that we were seeing eachother.

The thing is, at that time I wasn't sure if I wanted to be in a relationship, so I didn't commit to anything. I was happy to keep seeing her on a casual basis, and she said that she was ok with how things were going too, so that's how they stayed. During this time we saw a fair bit of eachother and my feelings really developed to the point where I was serious about being official with her.
The problem is that at about the time I was ready to commit (I was literally planning the conversation for a night we had coming up together), she had decided enough was enough and she didn't want to see me anymore. She gave a BS reason about having just got out of a long relationship that ended badly and not being ready for another one, which I accepted at the time and respected her decision to just be friends moving forwards.

After that, I was shocked at how fast her mannerisms towards me changed. The Whatsapp conversations stopped, she started avoided me in the office and when we were together there was no hint of flirting or attraction at all. Don't get me wrong, I know we'd called it quits and I didn't expect things to just stay the same, but at this point I was desperately trying to get over her and couldn't get her out of my head, whilst it looked like she'd just snapped her fingers and instantly stopped caring about me altogether. We were very affectionate with each other all the time before this, holding hands down the street, stealing kisses when no-one was looking at work, messaging all the time etc... so it really hit hard when everything stopped very suddenly.

After a bit of digging and a conversation or two about our relationship, it finally transpired that she broke up with me because she didn't feel like I cared enough about her and she wanted to be whisked away by someone who did. Fair enough, I held my hands up as I can totally see where she's coming from and that's my fault for dragging my heels with her in the first place. I didn't beg for her back at this point, but I did apologise for being such a bad partner in the first place and making her feel unwanted. At this point she said she feels like we're at different points in our 'relationship development' as I wasn't getting her signals that she wanted more, but she said she still really likes me and under different circumstances she'd love to be with me, but taking everything into consideration she really just wants to be friends. She also hinted that there's still an attraction and who knows what will happen if we're drunk together e.g. work Christmas party...

Now, at the time we broke up, we'd literally both just got back from seperate holidays (coincidentally booked for the same week before we knew each other), and after some digging I found out that she'd met a guy on the last night of her holiday (whilst we were still seeing each other and claiming to be exclusive, but whatever...), spent a wild night in the city together (supposedly they didn't sleep together and I do believe her), swapped phone numbers and had been sending flirty texts ever since. Now her sudden lack of attraction made sense: she was getting it from somewhere else. Important note: this guy doesn't live in the same country as us. She claims that after breaking from her ex, she was single for a few months until meeting me, and my lack of committment knocked her back and really broke her confidence. She had no such problem with this other guy who was very into her from the start and made her feel wanted.

The situation now is that this guy has booked a flight to London (our location) for the week, she has booked a week off work and they are spending it in an airbnb together. Her birthday falls during this week too so its a pretty significant date for her. This is literally happening right now - as of this morning they have met in person for the first time since their wild night.

Up until the point that I discovered this would be happening (last week), I'd been doing my best to be nice to her at all times. We'd been chatting at work fairly regularly, occasionally she had a bad day and I bought her favourite snacks to put a smile on her face when I was getting my lunch etc... Since I found out about the guy, I told myself that there was no point and to start NC as best as I could. For the last week I've been avoiding her at work and any time we have been forced to talk, I've responded to all non-work related questions with one-word answers to kill the conversation.

This week she commented a few times on how I'm always grumpy with her these days and I don't talk to her anymore despite us saying we'd be friends etc... and she seemed genuinely sad about the situation. Then things got really confusing for me. A couple of days ago she started being affectionate towards me again: staying in the kitchen at work to try and make conversation whilst I prepared food, flirting with little pokes and grabs whenever we happened to be near eachother, and on a couple of occasions she came up and hugged me "just to be nice". She also suggested that we go out for pizza one day next week as it's her birthday (note: we used to eat pizza together for like EVERY meal when we dated) and directly referenced our first date. I didn't comment on the pizza thing initially, but then a day later I did say I've thought of somewhere we could go, and she said she'd message me when she'd worked out a day/time next week.

So in a nutshell:

• Girl "breaks up" with me
• Girl basically starts seeing another guy
• I basically break contact with girl
• Girl becomes flirty again and suggests meal together

I know all of this has only taken place over a few months and a lot of you will say just get over it, but it's been so intense and we clicked so well that I've genuinely developed strong feelings for her. So my question is, do I continue to pursue this and try to get things back on track with her, or is it a lost cause?

Despite her holiday romance currently taking place, the guy doesn't live here and I can't honestly see it being more than a fling that will fizzle out due to her need for a bit of male attention as mentioned above. What are the thoughts on this?

Assuming we do meet for food in the week, I think it's also a great chance to try and light the spark between us again and see what happens - if it happened before, and she supposedly still likes me, why not again? I'm not saying I'm going to turn up with roses or anything, but if we can just have a really good laugh on the night and enjoy each others company again, surely that's a positive thing?

At the same time, is it all just talk from her? Should I just walk away and forget it? Compared to a couple of weeks ago, the lack of talking between us this week has helped me to get over her so much already - I do still feel sad and a bit jealous when I hear her talking about dating and other guys, but I'm not as depressed as I used to be and I can finally sleep without waking up in the middle of the night which is a plus. Saying that, If there's even a small chance left to get back together, I don't want to turn my back on it because I really would love to be with her. At the same time I don't want to look desperate or push her away more because she has me wrapped around her little finger. I already don't like the idea that the ball is totally in her court for dinner, and I've already decided that if there's not significant notice of a couple of days, I'll make up an excuse as I don't want her to think that she can snap her fingers and I'll come running. But is that the right attitude to have? I have so many questions!

I don't think we'd have a problem if we did give it another go as the only problem in the first place was that I wasn't committed enough, which I obviously would be now. Our "break up" was never particularly bad and we never fell out or argued about anything during the process either.

I just can't work out if I should really push for this dinner together and try to light the spark again, or if I should tell her to forget it and continue NC as best as possible until I really don't care anymore?

If anyone has read this far, any advice, please?

[Malvin]

After she initiated the break up, and left you behind in misery while you're still yearning to have her back, if soon after that separation she seems to be interested in going out and spending time with you more than before, or even flirt with you, just consider it as a little light at the end of the tunnel.

For your own good, you should ask yourself the question why did she broke up with you in the first place. Besides that, read the situation first before you welcome her back into your life once again with all of your heart. Sometimes when an ex shows interest again soon after a break up, there is a chance that it is only a game, due to the feeling of emptiness and loneliness that consumed her after break up.

Her intention to start the second chance romance between you might not be serious one. So, once she senses that you're still in love with her, she will try to get your attention to devoid herself from feeling lonely again. But once she has other prospects she can reach, she will leave you once again without the slightest bit of hesitation.

To avoid the heartbreak again, the best way to react when there are signs that she wants to get together not long after the break up, is to control your emotion, take your time to observe if she is being sincere about her feelings for you, through her interests and efforts in spending time with you.

Play it cool, try your best not to show how relieved you feel when she initiates any move to get together. Instead, be a little guarded. That way she will get the message that just because you love her, doesn't mean that she could play with your feelings by initiating a break up at one time and get together next whenever she wishes to.

Some says that love is a game and we ought to play it smart, this is related to a fact that in love relationships other than two person who loves each other equally, there is also exist one-sided love. It is devastating when one has to make all sorts of efforts and sacrifices just to make the loved one stays, if this happens to you, then perhaps it is for the better that she ends the relationship with you.

In order for a relationship to last, it is all about giving and receiving between both the parties. If you were the only one that gives but never receive, perhaps you should reconsider your choice to start a second chance romance with her. Not only you will be wasting your time and be exhausted, you are also jeopardizing your pride for her as she will be confident that you will always take her no matter what she does, this will give her the courage to play with your feelings again and again; SIMPLY BECAUSE SHE CAN.

Of course, it would be a good thing if she wants to get closer to you again, but if this is not the first time it happens, you should be aware that she might be playing with your feelings. A healthy relationship is when you treasure and respect each other, set the precedence of respect by drawing a limit for everything.

[Camila]

If you're still crazy about your girlfriend, even after the break up, it's hard when you realize she's moved on and is dating someone new. Seeing her with a new guy is never easy and it may make you feel as though any chance the two of you had of getting back together is now officially gone. That actually depends on several factors and you may be surprised by how much influence you likely still have over her. If your ex girlfriend has a new boyfriend and you want her back, you need to carefully plan everything you say and do.

Your heart is going to tell you to call her up and give her a laundry list of things that are wrong with her new beau. There's a reasonably good chance that if you start doing this, she'll end the call or if you did it through email, she'll delete it. Pointing out everything you think is wrong with her new boyfriend will make you look childish and jealous. She's also likely expecting this reaction from you. Instead, a much more effective approach is to wish her well and drop the subject.

Remaining friends after a break up is common, particularly in cases where the man and woman were very close. If you and your ex are still friendly don't be surprised if she calls you up from time-to-time to talk about her life. Inevitably the new boyfriend will come up in the conversation. Again, politely listening and then offering some generic advice is the safest bet. If your ex girlfriend has a new boyfriend and wants to talk about him with you this is actually a good sign. It shows she trusts you. Don't break that trust by going to him and telling him what her complaints are.

You don't want to constantly be at her beck and call though. If you put yourself into that position she'll never have a chance to miss you. It's a great idea to pick and choose when you want to be available. If she asks you out for a coffee to catch up, don't go each and every time. Instead politely tell her that you've already got other plans and don't expand on that. It will leave her wondering what you're up to and it also suggests that she's not the most important thing to you anymore. When she senses that, she'll remember what it felt like to be the focal point of your life. You want her to feel that as it's the first step to getting her back.

If your ex girlfriend has a new boyfriend it's not the end of the world. Many women start dating soon after a break up and that relationship tends to be short lived. Your reaction to her new boyfriend shouldn't be what she expects at all. Be cordial and polite about it, and ensure you're not always within arm's reach. These steps alone will help smooth the path for you to get her back.