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Is he depressed or are we over

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  • Is he depressed or are we over

    I've been dating my current boyfriend on and off for a year now and it's become apparent that when he has too much time to just think and obssess by himself at work, he comes to the conclusion that we should break up. Like at his last job, he had a tedious and repetitive labour position that demanded he repeat the same task on tiny metal pieces for 8 hours straight--anyone's mind would wonder off and over-analyse their life. He broke up with me in November and then reappeared at my door two weeks later, again.

    It's August now, we've been doing well ever since (December)--there was a bit of a spat in early May, but it barely lasted 12 hours. The latest episode has been creeping up for the last month or so. I've always felt like I'm 4 chapters ahead of him, which I really don't mind, I kind of like that I am so attuned to him and ow he works/thinks, except in times when I can see things going south for him and I feel helpless because I can't do anything because I know that everyone runs at their own pace and trying to rush them to get somewhere before they are ready can only cause more problems. So I let him come to things in his own time.

    He recently got a new job (around June) at a small mechanical engineering workshop which he loved. He use to be so excited when he would tell me about the projects he'd worked on, he was stressed but in a motivated way, and he was very happy that he was going to be able to lower his student debts with all the overtime he was doing. Unfortunately, in July, his boss left for a two month vacation and left my boyfriend more or less in charge of everything. He does have a supervisor but from what I understand, my boyfriend has been gaining more and more and more responsiblity the more he impressed the manager and boss with his abilities and work tactics.

    Since the boss left, he has been working longer days, and now weekends also. I noted that his mood changed alot after just two/three weeks of this. He expressed that he was more stressed because his boss keeps accepting more ad more projects that exceed the amount of work hours, so my boyfriend is drained all the time, he doesnt have time to do other activities he enjoys (he is a very active person and highly values physical activity and challenging himself, so this is a major factor in my opinion), when he's with me his mind is still at work. In all honesty, he is a ghost lately; he's been distant, lacking interest in my doings, never contacting me, only responding quick and short replies when I reach out to him.

    In the spirit of not rushing him but also not wanting to just sit by and watch him deteriorate right in front of me, I have brought it up (hopefully) subtly that he seems over worked and that his deminor has changed since his boss left. I didn't want to add to his stress by making him feel guilty that he had very little time for me, so I told him that I missed when he was excited and boasting about his new job--as opposed to scolleding him for not making time for me--and that I understood that this was something he had to do for now and that I support him 100%.

    As mentioned, I've tried to talk about it, I've tried giving him space, I've tried suggesting activities like biking and renting kayaks, camping, etc, but they always get pushed back because he has to go to work on weekends. He is a real hands on man, so I tried to give us a project to do together hoping it would be a great bonding oppurtunity. We went to a thrift shop and I found a really cool patio bench that would fit perfectly in the small deck behind his apparment made of two chairs attached together by a table in the center. We discussed whether or not to repaint it, we recently purchased fabric so that I can custom make cushions for the chairs, and I found a really cool cast iron bottle opener to screw into the front. He seemed very interested in refurbishing it together at the time of purchase, but that faded rather quickly.

    So, the reason that I am posting on this forum is because he recently expressed that he wanted to break up. I know that guys generally mean what they say, but I'm trying to figure out if it's his depression talking or if we really are over. I have been living with depression myself for about five years now, have learnt how it effects me and how to cope with it when it happens, so I understand how hard it is to deal with even if he is unaware that that's what he has. I just can't bring myself to break up due to his depression because I would never want mine to be the reason someone let me got (unless it was detremental to their well being of course). I look at hard times as stepping stones to strengthening our relationship (again, as long as it's not detrimental to either's well being).

    His reasons to break up come down to:

    - We never do anything/watch tv all the time (he's working all the time... and when I suggest activities he says he is too tired and wants to relax watching netflix, or when we are doing something--restaurant, walking, thrift store shoping, etc, his mind is elsewhere so I explore my own mind also, as an introvert, I really don't mind this happening from time to time. But now he is using it against me/us.)

    - When we are together, we have what he calls "minor chit chat" (asking about his day, how he is coping at work, what his roommates are up to, and whatever else comes up--i.e. normal conversation...? As opposed to discussing what would happen if you could hear from your feet and taste from your fingers like he does with his friends.)

    - We have different interests ( but who doesnt...? I have expressed interest in participating his activites but he is convinced that I'm bored.. I really don't know why, I actually realy enjoy it--I discovered that I find biking highly stress relieving, I learned how to throw a frisbee--still need some practice but the potential is there...I think.)

    - He is uncomfortable when we spend an extended period of time at my place. (I understand why this is a problem, it effects me as well but I don't currently have the means to move out. I still live with my parents and the dynamic with my family is very tense and the energy in it self is draining, but I have a dog so I am responsible for his well being and have to take care of him. He is large so I can't just bring him to my bf's place whenever I please. I am working on saving enough to move out, but unlike him who has 2 roommates so his rent is like 200$, I dont have any friends who are looking to move out, plus I need to support not only me but all of my dog's expenses which adds 200$ a month to an already 1000$ a month cost of living on my own.)

    - My qualities as a caring girlfriend, my unconditional love and support, and the level of how understanding I have been this past month has only made him feel bad that he can't reciprocate and be the kind boyfriend that I deserve. (I understand his point, but at the same time what a person "deserves" doesn't always corrolate with what they "want". And I want him, faults, flaws, and all. This also feeds into my suspicions that he is depressed because it seems that he's wearing blue colored glasses that takes everything that should be nice and good and turns them into reasons to feel guilty about us.)

    There are more minor reasons, but I digress. I would like to know if you (third party persons) think that he is in fact depressed and I should continue to give him space and support until his boss comes back in September and see if things readjust once things go back to normal (although he will also be going back to college for his fourth semester and continue to work part time) OR is he sincerely just not interested in having a relationship with me and I should I just let him go?

    I really appreciate any helpful advice or thoughts on my predicament.

  • #2
    All the reason he has give for the breakup isn't a concrete reason to breakup. The fact is that he isn't telling you exactly why he wants to quit. He has definitely fallen out of love.


    • ataloss
      ataloss commented
      Editing a comment
      Thank you for taking the time to read my very long explanation

      What if he said that wasn't the reason? As in all of the reasons are influences from outside our relationship, i.e. job stress, no free time, family stress, etc.

  • #3
    There are just people who cannot give any unjustifiable reasons why they have to end the relationship in just a blink. In order for you to help in thinking what could be the rational and probable reasons of dumping you, here are some basis that you can relate.

    1. Love is gone

    It will not always follow that when a person courts you, he loves you. Rather, he just likes you. Love is the total value of the relationship and it only works when both lights the fire. The common mistake of the partner is allowing the relationship to be a routine; it is like you already know what you are going to do for the day and the next day with him. The routine may come as boring and the fire will start to lose its burning sensation so as the relationship and you feel that he/she is not the type that you want to settle for and you find your way out.

    2. Distance

    This does not only pertain literally to long distance relationship. It also pertains to the distance during the middle of the relationship that you and your partner make because you are also busy working, you have your own priorities and other things to attend to. You find time with each other 2-3 times/week and gets worse when you cannot seem to get out from the workplace because of so many things left undone. This is the most common reason why distance can cause the relationship to be miles apart even If you live in one local. Distance can make you realize that love is already gone.

    3. Frequent fights

    You want to avoid it but it will arise anytime in the relationship. You fight of time constraints, attention deficit, dishonesty and a lot more. Even small fights can mean more to you when you are angry, causing the fight to get bigger. Fight can make the relationship better, but when it happens almost everyday, it is no longer healthy. You both realize that the relationship is not working anymore. Sometimes, only one partner realizes that and will find his/her way out from the relationship.

    4. Third party

    Love no more, distance and frequent fights can have a great factor why there seemed to have a third party. These factors can cause the spark of the relationship to end and so some partners meet new friends in the work and slowly find a great connection with each other.

    5. Lost of connection

    What you used to do before together is no longer apparent in the relationship. You lost touch, intimacy and togetherness as partners. The relationship becomes dry and the connection between you starts to vanish.

    It doesn't imply that when he dumped you, your life will stop. Life will forever go on and preparation for standing up after a fall is very necessary. Moving over the fact that your partner broke up with you might not be simple. You are going to have to commit to picking yourself up and moving along. Don't hesitate to seek for help when you are in need. You might want to get your immediate family members or best friends to share the burden. Try to look at your own situation through other people point of view. Find out more about yourself and what are your strong points that may help to attract other good people into your life. Go now and improve yourself, take an action! The end result will be a much happier you. It will make you look back on this dark time in your life when you were crying because you were dumped and look at it as one of the best things that ever happened to you and finally said to yourself, "He dumped me but I am much happier now."


    • ataloss
      ataloss commented
      Editing a comment
      I know that my life wont end without him. And I posted to this forum exactly to (as you said) "see the situation from other people's point of view." I'm really just trying to confirm or deny that he is depressed and needs support (be it from close or from a distance).

      Thank you for your time and perspective.

  • #4
    Understanding how to make him fall in love with you all over again starts with accepting that, for now, he doesn't want much to do with you. Women and men are so different when it comes to matters of the heart. Many women feel an undeniable urge to try and fix a broken relationship right now. That's the reason so many of us end up calling our ex repeatedly begging him to come to his senses. Men, on the other hand, are much more introspective about their feelings and they tend to need some time to sort through what they're feeling. If you try and push a man to commit to you again soon after a break up, you stand a very good chance of destroying the relationship forever. So the first point to remember is to give him time to himself. Accept the break up as a temporary measure.

    Giving him distance and time is obviously crucial as a sign of respect for his feelings, but it has another benefit too. As women, we almost always fall in love with our man more when we're with him. Consider how it felt when you used to be with your boyfriend. You likely couldn't get enough of him and you savoured each and every moment you two had. You felt closest to him when you were in his presence. For men it's a little different. Most men love a woman more when they're missing her. You actually can increase your chances of making him fall in love with you all over again if you stay away from him for a few weeks. He will inevitably start to miss you, which is exactly what you want. During those moments, when he's thinking about the good times, he'll start to feel a pull towards you again and it will actually make him want to reach out to you.


    • ataloss
      ataloss commented
      Editing a comment
      thank you so much for taking the time to read my post.

      I fully agree with you, except for the last bit about taking space to win him back. I'm not looking to manipulate him into wanting to be with me.

      I really just want to know if I'm making up that he may be depressed, or if these symptomes are real and I just need to be a source of support (yes, even from a distance. As you said, space is important. I agree.)

      Thanks again!