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I Got Stood Up By An "Online Date"?

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  • I Got Stood Up By An "Online Date"?

    I met a guy through Match-dot-com. We met for the first time only last week and seemed to click.

    He seemed keen and called me several times, all long telephone calls.

    I spoke to him just two days ago and he was planning a weekend for us together this week.

    Then he texted me straight after to say he had arranged child care for his child, etc., and that he would call me the next day.

    Since then - nothing. No call, no text. I appreciate that it's only two days, but this is unlike him.

    I am unsure - should I contact him or just leave it? Your advice would be so appreciated!

    Should call him or wait to hear from him?

  • #2
    That's a special kind of "stood up."

    He's not exactly a No-Show. He just makes BIG plans and then... drops off the planet!

    What would YOU do?

    A lot of people would say, "Call him up! Maybe he has been kidnapped. Maybe he's in the hospital. Maybe he's had a sudden emergency."

    Maybe he's been abducted by aliens.

    Chances are, there's NO emergency.

    If this emergency is so real that he would leave you hanging when he's invited you to go away with him for the weekend, then he must be COMATOSE.

    Because most decent people will call to cancel. They'll even call you from a Funeral Home where maybe their immediate family member is taking a VERY long nap.

    I asked you if YOU'VE ever been stood up. And I would love to know! I'll share some stories here!

    It's only fair that I tell you about the time I got stood up.

    It was still daylight when I arrived at the place we'd agreed to meet for dinner.

    I sat alone at a table in the bar-restaurant drinking ice water and looking around. It was in New Orleans, a beloved city where I was attending school at UNO.

    So I'm sitting there... checking the time... and everything is lively around me but there's no HIM.

    The time goes by slowly. At the 25-minute mark, I start wondering what every Stood Up Girl wonders:

    "How long should I wait?"

    What is the proper time to wait for a No Show???

    When may I leave without a trace of a guilty conscience??

    (Guilty conscience, yes, silly, but I was very young, you know... )

    I waited 40 minutes. And needless to say, sitting alone in a restaurant waiting for a date who never shows is - awkward. It makes you feel like an idiot.

    By the time I finally left, it was dark! And I was in the French Quarter alone... with many dark, empty side streets to walk to get to my car!

    I was mad at him - for standing me up, of course, AND for standing me up at night in the Quarter!

    Now the whole idea of having your date Pick You Up At Your House makes a LOT of sense...

    So. A week later, my No-Show Guy comes waltzing up to me at the place we met.

    He told me he was very sorry that he didn't make it!

    And he wanted to reschedule our date! He had just "gotten tied up" or something....

    I told him no.

    Just plain no.

    He was shocked. Shocked that I would turn him down flat.

    Honestly, it was not fun to say no. I would have much rather he'd showed up because I liked him!

    But... I knew that a man who just flakes out like that was not the kind of man I wanted to have in my life or the life of my possible future children.

    And it was too bad because....

    You'll understand this....

    It was too bad because.... He Was Cute!!

    But I had to let that fish go back in the ocean.

    Maybe he won't flake on the next girl, but he probably will.

    What happened was that I found out that I had standards about being stood up.

    I knew that what he did in the beginning, he would do in the future.

    It felt like unwanted surgery, cutting off something I really didn't want to cut off.

    But it had to be done.

    Having standards protects you.

    Having standards means that you decide how you get treated - and what you will and won't put up with.

    It's not always easy. But if you want a man to love and respect you - you must have those standards in your heart.

    Because... somehow, your standards show. Whether you need to exercise them - or not.

    A man loves a woman who has standards.

    He wants a woman he can admire!

    The ultimate standard is when you decide how long you will stay in a relationship when there is no commitment.

    This is a true test of your standards.

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    • #3
      Being stood up hurts. There's no way around it, but it's happened to the best of us. What's the best way to handle it? Should you call the guy? Drive past his house? Show up at his favorite hangout?

      No.

      Once you do any of these things, you lower your value. You are perceived as desperate (and you are NOT desperate). Sure, it's possible that an emergency prevented him from making your date. Maybe his mother had to be rushed to the hospital. Maybe his boss pushed him onto a plane to Dallas. Who knows?

      It's not your problem. Even if his mother did get sick or he was forced to leave town, it's still his responsibility to call you and apologize for not being able to meet. That's it.

      Now, say you've been stood up after meeting a seemingly great guy at your favorite bar or bookstore or cafe. What do you do then? Surely you shouldn't have to give up your favorite hangout to avoid running into this jerk, right? Right. It's your bar, bookstore, or cafe. You have as much right (or more) as he does to go there.

      So what do you do if you run into him?

      Let him say hello first. If he doesn't say hello, make no attempt to get his attention. (And if the coward scurries out of the place in the sad hope that you don't spot him, thank your lucky stars he stood you up in the first place. He's a loser.)

      If he does say hello, smile and play it cool. Say something like, "Hey, weren't we supposed to get together the other night?" Wait for his pathetic answer. Enjoy watching him dance for you because dance he will.

      If he offers an excuse, say, "No big deal. I met up with some friends." Smile as genuinely as possible. Turn on your heel and walk away.

      Now, you may be tempted into thinking, "But this guy is perfect for me. We really connected that first night. Maybe I should give him another chance." If you insist, make him work for that second chance. If he follows you and asks if he can try again, say, "Eh, you know, you really seemed like a great guy, but I'm not used to being stood up."

      And walk away.

      If he persists, say, "I can't promise anything."

      And walk away.

      If he calls you, say, "Not this weekend. Maybe next weekend."

      If he calls again, agree to meet him someplace you like (and where you're comfortable). Tell him, "Don't blow it this time."

      And see what happens.

      The key to this technique is to be willing to walk away. You must be open to the possibility that just because a man seems like he's "the one" for you, or because you have so much in common, he still may not be the right guy.

      If you suffer the indignity of being stood up, understand that it has nothing to do with you. Once you understand that it has everything to do with THE GUY, your fortunes will change.

      Write off men who don't keep their word, and you will stop attracting them. It's quite possible no man will ever dare stand you up again. You'll stop giving off that "sure, you can take advantage of me" vibe. Your determination not to accept bad behavior is a signal to the universe that you are willing to accept nothing but the best.

      Comment


      • #4
        Great advice from this forum. I appreciate all your advice.

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