The "Dance Of Attraction" Between Men And Women

[Peggy]

Wondering if I can get some advice here.

I am new to this area I moved to for my job. Banker that deals with me in my business is very friendly and single...(YAY)

He is so sweet. I am manager/designer of a florist shop. I have made some really terrific designs for him and he loves my work... gushes over my work, really.

He recently made an order for his mom and made sure I knew he was single, he said no luck with the last gal, lol.

I told him he was lookin' at the wrong gal...and called him sweetie ...for fun.

He was very animated on the phone with me, complimenting me and my work over and over again. Later on, a day or so later, he saw me in the grocery store and actually bumped my cart with his basket while I was oblivious that he was there...lol... surprise surprise!

I smiled said hey how are ya...some chit chat...smiling...and I left.

The next day I called him to follow up on his mom's delivery. He thanked me over and over again and gave me the credit for the success of the arrangement even tho it was a wireout to another florist..lol

My question is...should I email him and thank him for being so kind as to say "hi" bumping into me at the grocery store, that he put a smile on my face, so nice to be recognized and spoken to in a place where I am the stranger?

or should I wait to see if he makes a move at the next business after hours get together? He goes to all of them.

My way of thinking would be that a contact outside of work may open the door for him to approach me if he is interested knowing that I am open to him (hence the email, opening the door?)

He might be more inclined to approach me then? I think he may be a bit gun shy right now as his last interest blew him off.

I just wanted to let him know I am approachable and interested in him.

What is the best way to do that? Without being too forward and I want him to know it is fine for him to come to me.

I think in his position (VP at bank) he needs to feel that he took the initiative, but also needs to know I am open to him that way, not just in business.

Help??

[Gloria]

Hello Lisa:

Well, it sure looks as if he's interested in you, doesn't it? Rest assured, based on what you have told me I'm inclined to agree.

He has gone out of his way to be nice to you, clearly enjoyed his interactions with you, gone out of his way to say "hello" while shopping and been genuinely glad when you've called him up on the phone.

He has even "gushed" over floral designs, for Pete's sake. Tell me THAT isn't completely unnatural masculine behavior!

The only thing he HASN'T done is ask you out.

Now I realize it's hard to imagine a successful business man wimping out when it comes to asking you out. After all, I think we all pretty much know already you're a perfectly kind woman. In fact you seem super sweet...I'm all but sure you deserve a great man.

I realize this is frustrating. So let's get inside the mind of the typical guy for a brief minute or two. That way we can see what's going on.

You mentioned that the last woman he was interested in "blew him off". Clearly he was somehow interested in relating that information to you, probably to find out how you'd react.

I think you're response was a good one there, but believe it or not he probably still saw it as ambivalent.

You see, most men are absolutely PETRIFIED of rejection. For a guy, becoming vulnerable to a woman he has high hopes for romantically--only for her to turn him down--represents the ultimate humiliation.

In fact, I'm pretty sure most men would rather go to work in the morning buck naked than to suffer being rejected by a woman flatly.

And considering that the vast majority of them keep their clothes on in the workplace (thankfully), that's saying something.

Moreover, most women--like you--understand that a man is more comfortable when he has made the "first move". Likewise, most women also don't want to come off as "forward", lest they look desperate or even "easy".

So what ends up happening is an "attraction dance" that often involves a lot of sound and fury, but in the end goes NOWHERE.

You see, men are often creatures of logic. Life is either black or white. Either you are interested (and are clear about it), or you aren't.

Meanwhile, we as women are mistresses of subtlety, aren't we? Indeed...we can flirt with guys in the smoothest of ways, only to have it all go right over their head!

The truth is, WE DO...ALL THE TIME. And then what? We feel REJECTED ourselves because guys seem to completely ignore our flirtation.

So there you have it. It's not that guys are IGNORING us. It's that they don't TRUST our brand of subtle flirtation. It's just not their "language".

What's a woman to do?

Well...now that you understand how men often think a bit better, you can now become a bit more creative in how you communicate with him.

Instead of telling him that he has been looking at the wrong women, anchor the conversation to YOURSELF more directly by saying that YOU aren't the kind of woman who would "blow off" a guy like him, and that YOU realize he deserves better.

You may ask him what he is doing for a social life now that the other woman isn't in his life any more. When he responds, you may suggest to him that he try some fun things that you personally enjoy partaking of.

Best of all, you might simply come right out and tell him that you are friendly and easy-going, and that you "don't bite". From there, he may finally get the message.

If it seems like he's still having an internal "civil war" over taking the plunge and asking you out, the absolute CLOSEST thing to being "direct" while still not asking him out yourself, would be to say to him with a smile, "Was there something you wanted to ask me?"

It's pretty amazing we have to go to such lengths with men sometimes, isn't it?

But sometimes that's really what it takes.

So then, if you don't want to wait until the next business after-hours social event I think it would be fine to contact him again soon. I'd skip the e-mail and call him.

Instead of saying it was "nice of him" to say hello at the store, I'd tell him I was curious as to why he goes out of his way to make conversation with you.

Then I'd wonder aloud, "Is there a reason why you like talking to me so much? Is there something you've been wanting to ASK me?"

[Peggy]

Thank you for your advice Gloria.