Needing space and time?

[Askingquestions]

I’ve recently ran into a situation with a woman who told me this. The funny part is we aren’t dating nor are we in a relationship. We are friends but we have shared intimate moments with each other like kissing, hugging, touching. We’ve connected on so many levels and she has stated that this connection is so rare and she loves my soul and how we connect. She mentioned that she didn’t know a man like me existed and sometimes when she looks at me apart of her sees her future husband and that she can’t wrap her head around that part. She also explained her past to me about her 7 year relationship and how chaotic it was with arguments left and right. How she was still in a healing process and how it would take a man to come sweep her off her feet as I’ve done for her to fully indulge again with another man. She is very sweet to me and loving even though we are just friends. She has told me that she is afraid to lose me and that she doesn’t want to lose me. That she doesn’t take me or our connection for granted.

Unfortunately we have had some instances where we miscommunicate and argue over insignificant things. It’s been happening a lot recently. Some my fault some her fault. Regardless it hasn’t been smooth, to the point she has got up and walked out on me in a restaurant. I have a tendency not to listen to her when she is trying to help me understand her position. I constantly try to shift the blame and defend myself. We tried hashing out our differences and it came to a boiling point where I just exploded and got furious. She said some things that reminded me of my ex and I feel that every time I try to do something romantic and great for her it’s never appreciated. I became emotional and she felt bad about the situation telling me she cares for me and that she didn’t intend to strike a cord and make me feel that way. After that moment she said that she felt overwhelmed and that things have been too much for her. She explained that she felt disconnected. We were in another city for work purposes so I asked her to just come out and enjoy the city. She was reluctant at first but she did.

We went out and enjoyed a full peaceful day of sight seeing and shopping. At the end I told her my soul needed this quiet relaxing experience and I said I had a great time to which she agreed. After our flight she said she needed some space and time to process and that when she’s ready she will come to me for sure. I sent her a message explaining my remorsefulness and apologies. I explained to her the things that I did wrong and some of the things I regretted saying that I didn’t mean but I was just upset about the situation. I told her that I’m committed to her healing process and that I support her decision of time and space. I tried letting her know that I see what I did and I’m ready to be a better person and fix my mistakes.

She was also upset about me not pursining her the way a man should that is trying to court her. Also, she was upset that she needed to ask me to pay for things like dinner when we go out when she feels that I should automatically have that instinct. She was upset that I haven’t asked her out on a formal date. She explained how her father is selfless always putting her first and how she feels I’m not selfless. She explained that she doesn’t feel 100% protected with me and taken care of. She only feels it in certain aspects but not all aspects. She explained that she feels like she’s bringing in bad energy from her past, which she doesn’t want me to deal with. She rather deal with it alone. She said that I have been nothing but good to her and this is what she was fearful off, getting too close and hurting me in the process. That makes me wonder if there is any correlation here.

Now that she has requested for space and time I’m feeling terrible about the whole situation because I feel that I lost out on a great opportunity because I let fear drive me. She has said some very powerful things to me, just a week ago, so I’m not sure if her asking for space means I’m done or does it mean I really need space to process everything and try to make it work. This is the confusing part. Really appreciate any advice moving forward.

[Judith]

The first thing you need to do if she needs some time apart is accept it. That doesn't mean that you're accepting the end of the relationship, it means that you're accepting that for now, she needs to be on her own. Most women specifically tell their boyfriend they needs space, time or distance because they think it's a softer and gentler way of breaking things off. They expect a very strong reaction from their partner in the form of angry outbursts, pleading and tears. If you react in a very calm and controlled manner, you'll catch her off guard. She'll be impressed by your level of maturity and at the same time she'll be confused with your acceptance. This is exactly what you want.

Not talking to her at this stage may feel impossible and completely wrong, but it's actually one of the best things you can do. When a woman says she needs space that translates into space that you're not in. She asked you for some time alone and if you actually give it to her you'll be showing her what her life is like without you. She may think that she'll be happier without you, but she won't know how much she'll miss you until you're no longer there. As much as it feels like a horrible idea to stop talking with her for a few weeks, it can actually be the catalyst that brings her back to you. She'll spend a lot of time thinking about you and how empty her life is without you. If you can find the willpower to avoid her for two or three weeks that just may be enough to change her mind completely. Don't be surprised if you get a call during that time from her, asking to see you.

[Clay]

When she wants space, regardless of how much you don't want to give it to her, you need to. Fighting with someone who has one foot out of the door of the relationship won't help. It will only hurt you both. Bear in mind that you're not going to be able to fix the issues overnight and that sometimes some time is exactly what is needed to mend a broken relationship. Give her the space she needs and be accepting of it. She'll be grateful that you're recognizing her needs and not trying to stop her from doing something she feels is necessary.

Your next move is an important one. You're going to feel inclined to spend a lot of time trying to figure out exactly what went wrong. Generally this involves thinking about every conversation you two have had the past few weeks or replaying her voicemail messages. Doing this stuff will drive you crazy, so you need to avoid it. Instead of allowing yourself to fall into an abyss of painful memories, get out and do things that you like doing. There's nothing wrong with hanging out with friends or even taking a vacation after a break up. You're not going to ruin your chances of getting her back if you're having fun. Doing something for yourself will actually help in that you'll be able to push your negative emotions aside and start living your life again.

One crucial mistake that you absolutely must avoid making when your girlfriend says she needs some distance is to find someone new in an effort to make her jealous. This is a very bad idea for several reasons. Namely she'll probably decide she's done with you for good if she hears you've moved on already. Instead of trying to make her jealous, just let her know that you're around and willing to be her friend. Don't pressure her into talking or seeing you. This will show her that you're taking your time moving forward but that you'll always be there for her. That alone will demonstrate to her what a great boyfriend you were and can be again.

[PRW]

Warning, I might be a little hard on you here,...but it is important. I'm honestly trying to help, and the only way you will remember what I say two days later is if it makes and impact.

I’ve recently ran into a situation with a woman who told me this. The funny part is we aren’t dating nor are we in a relationship. We are friends but we have shared intimate moments with each other like kissing, hugging, touching. We’ve connected on so many levels and she has stated that this connection is so rare and she loves my soul and how we connect. She mentioned that she didn’t know a man like me existed and sometimes when she looks at me apart of her sees her future husband and that she can’t wrap her head around that part. She also explained her past to me about her 7 year relationship and how chaotic it was with arguments left and right. How she was still in a healing process and how it would take a man to come sweep her off her feet as I’ve done for her to fully indulge again with another man. She is very sweet to me and loving even though we are just friends. She has told me that she is afraid to lose me and that she doesn’t want to lose me. That she doesn’t take me or our connection for granted.

All throughout that paragraph she is telling you that you are wallowing in the Friend Zone and she doesn't want you there. She is telling you to "grow a pair",..."be the man",...and act like someone who wants her and has the guts to lead,...to sweep her off her feet were the words she used. A guy with confidence just gets the job done. He doesn't say, "If you'd like,...maybe I could kinda,...well,...sweep you off your feet,...if that's ok with you?,...you don't mind do you?"

I have a tendency not to listen to her when she is trying to help me understand her position.

Women solve their problems by talking about them,...not by taking suggestions. They are not a suggestion box. Just keep quiet, pay attention,...and listen to her. At the end she'll say "I feel so much better now," You'll be left scratching your head thinking, but I didn't do anything?, yet you did exactly what you were supposed to do.

I constantly try to shift the blame and defend myself.

Insecure behavor.
She'll smell that on you like a porta-potty at a drunken carnival. Cut that crap out.

She said some things that reminded me of my ex and I feel that every time

I don't know what she said, but if they both said it,...maybe you should take note of whatever that was. Just because your Ex is an Ex doesn't mean everything she said was wrong.

We went out and enjoyed a full peaceful day of sight seeing and shopping. At the end I told her my soul needed this quiet relaxing experience and I said I had a great time to which she agreed. After our flight she said she needed some space and time to process and that when she’s ready she will come to me for sure.

Very good. That is progress.
Unfortunately you didn't listen to that last phrase,...about waiting till she comes to you when she is ready,...<next below>

I sent her a message explaining my remorsefulness and apologies. I explained to her the things that I did wrong and some of the things I regretted saying that I didn’t mean but I was just upset about the situation. I told her that I’m committed to her healing process and that I support her decision of time and space. I tried letting her know that I see what I did and I’m ready to be a better person and fix my mistakes.

You didn't wait and let her come to you like she said she would do. That is a serious blunder. This is where I'm going to be a little hard on you. Most of what you said here makes you look bad and look weak,...please listen to this break down of what you said. You're remorseful, apologetic, did things wrong, said things you regret, say things you don't mean, you get upset, Those are all emotional "downers". Is a woman going to be itching to fall in love with all that? Then when you mentioned "her healing process" that has an underlying meaning that you think she is "broken" and is the one that has the problem,...but you are committed to that. So the only positive element in that list was about you being committed the problem you perceive she has.

She was also upset about me not pursining her the way a man should that is trying to court her.

Whala! My first comment at the very beginning. This is probably the root of the whole problem.

Also, she was upset that she needed to ask me to pay for things like dinner when we go out when she feels that I should automatically have that instinct.

That is a no-brainer. It is you job to pay, take the lead,...be the man. It is the friend-zone guys that don't pay, and be followers, orbiters..

She was upset that I haven’t asked her out on a formal date. She explained how her father is selfless always putting her first and how she feels I’m not selfless. She explained that she doesn’t feel 100% protected with me and taken care of. She only feels it in certain aspects but not all aspects.

You are a lucky man! You found a woman that will tell exactly what is wrong and what is bothering her,...she is one-in-a-million. She is also dead on the money. The part about not feeling 100% protected with you is the most important thing she said. It is number one!! Everything else hangs off of that one.

She explained that she feels like she’s bringing in bad energy from her past, which she doesn’t want me to deal with. She rather deal with it alone. She said that I have been nothing but good to her and this is what she was fearful off, getting too close and hurting me in the process. That makes me wonder if there is any correlation here.

She is just softening the beating she just previously gave you. Don't take those too serious. It is like mom giving you a hug after giving you the spanking that you asked for.

Now that she has requested for space and time.

So just do it. Leave her alone till she contacts you. You agreed to it earlier, so be congruent with your word. If you are congruent with your word then she will be congruent with her word. When she contacts you,...no wishy washy stuff,...no apologizing,...just make a date and be the man. Don't talk about what you are going to do, don't apologize for not doing it before,...just get down to business and do it. Again,...no apologizing. You keep apologizing for being unworthy,...she'll just eventually agree with you that you are unworthy.

[PRW]

BTW - You did a really great job of recounting everything with detail. I could never have picked up on the issues I saw without that kind of a detailed account.